Focusing on re-finding focus, cake and when people talk about ED’s around you.

Focusing on re-finding focus

If you read my last post you would know that recently my climbing ability has plummeted to an all time low. Focus. I don’t focus. I don’t think. So until I get my talent back I am going to be focusing on focusing. I’m going to start climbing things down. I climbed at my best at the end of todays session when I really slowed it down. I didn’t care about the grades or the colour of the hold just focusing on getting to the top. Aiming for a hold and getting that hold int he easiest and most technical way possible. So that is what I am going to be practicing. Focus. No grades. No colours. Just learning how to focus again. I do have a comp in two weeks! It would be useful for me to have my focus back by then to it at-least looks like I can climb something. On a plus climbing was better today as I did not let my ED get to me and I did not compare myself to everyone else. Yes I am the worst climber ever but as long as I enjoy it does my ability really matter?

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Me climbing a little below my peak. 28th september 2013 (I was still underweight here.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cake

Who wants some? 

So today we had cake at climbing and I said I didn’t like cake “What you don’t like cake?” Ok everyone who knows about my eating disorder knows that me saying I didn’t like cake was a complete and utter lie. I LOVE CAKE! My eating disorder makes me feel bad for even admitting it… *sigh*. So yes I told a little lie cause I couldn’t tell my climbing instructor about my eating disorder. I see why it would be useful but I worried about the follow-on conversation. I’m way to fat to have an ED. He probably wouldn’t believe me even if I did say. So ok. I let my eating disorder dictate whether or not I ate cake. I couldn’t eat it at the climbing gym. JUST NO! Looking at the cake sent my heart racing. 1000 b/pm. The sound of cake made me want to try and engage my pathetic gag reflex and purge it. I’ve never successfully
Imagemade myself sick before and I did not want to use my behaviors at the climbing gym. It’s a place for fun not to eating disorder behaviors. I’ve used various behaviors at school and I’d rather not take them anywhere else. It’s really unprofessional and people would probably find out at climbing. I do admit previously I’ve gone climbing just to burn of calories… but that’s as far with behaviors as I ever want to go with using at the climbing gym and that really needs to stop. So yes cake. Love cake… I was offered a muffin earlier but no I opt for the 94 cal areo moose. Damn ED. That blueberry muffin was calling me. Strange thing is it feel good I’ve denied myself cake and muffin today… like i like that I have enough self control to say no and not eat junk like that which is loaded with calories. 

When people talk about ED’s around you.

Is it just me or does that really annoy you? Especially when it’s someone who knows about your eating disorder.  Earlier my nan was talking about how this person on one of the soaps she was watching has an eating disorder and it was so annoying and triggering cause I was trying to eat dinner at the time. CAN YOU PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT IT AROUND ME? ESPECIALLY NOT AT THE TABLE! Gosh! The earlier at the end of science a group of girls who sit next to me where talking about how apparently this girl in my history is pretending to have an eating disorder and wants to be a size 6 for prom. One of them even said about how people make themselves sick disgust them. I hate it when people are so judgmental about eating disorders and believe we want them.

Who would choose to make themselves sick or starve themselves to get skinny? It’s not a choice… not a choice in the slightest. More people really need to realize that.

 

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AMAZING REALISATION AND DAMN YOU ED FOR MANIPULATING ME ONCE AGAIN!

CLIMBING. CLIMBING. CLIMBING.

HAVING A LITTLE SET BACK AND I MIGHT BE COMPETING IN WALES IN TWO WEEKS IF MY DAD SAYS YES AND IT SEEMS IM ONLY GOING BACKWARDS!


Ok previously I thought. No I knew the reason for my current going backwards was my weight. Fat doesn’t help you get up the wall and ED said I needed to get skinny again or I’ll never beable to climb as high as a dream. Oh but how come people much heavier than me can climb? With a lot more fat than me ed? HOW ED? That’s what I relised today. There are many factoes contributing to my current lapse. 

Has my climbing got worse? Yes. Has my technique got worse. yes? Am I less focused/ less commited? Yes!

And here is why. 

  1. Exhaustion! Ok it doesn’t take a genious to work out that if your not sleeping as much as you need to your not going to performe to our best. I have been sleeping in a lot lately jut out of an inability to tay awake. I constantly feel axausted. Recantly I have started trying to  sleep 8 hours a night but I can’t seem to get to sleep and if I o then I wake up uring the night and/or have slightly bizzare and horrible dreams which mess with my mind. 
  2. Nutrition, nutrition, nutriton. Relating to my lack of sleep ina way, I find it as an axcuse not to have breakfast. I am currently struggling with my eating disorder a little and I’m not really eating meals just random snacks and even then I’m finding it hard to eat. This ofcourse has an impact on my focus level and climbing ability. 
  3. Recant run of inury’s This is rather self explanitary.
  4. I have a cold. Idk this might affect my climbing ability.
  5. Exam stress. I’m so worried about not passing these exams and failing that not only am I not revising because im stressed and I currently can’t escape to my room cause no laptop and theres no space on the desk downstairs but the stress is having an effect on my focus levels.  

So how to deal with this and get back on track?

  1. I need to work out a schedule. Like  9:30 bed, 7pm: revise till 9pm 4:30pm: Workout…. And draw it up so it’s set in stone.
  2. I need to calm down about the exams!
  3. I need to start meal plans again! *cries* Oh but not your average nutitionist set meal plan! MY OWN MEAL PLAN! (For breakfast and lunches anyway and maybe snacks. My parents prep my dinners.)

Ok I’m going to revise now. Once I’ve cleard this damn desk. Bye!!!!!!

 

 

Climbing and my eating disorder. To quit or not to quit?

Eating disorders in the climbing community are kept kinda hush, hush, Yes there was the so called climborexia phase but now climbers realize technique also plays an important part. This being very true. Technique is important. But how does climbing place
in the role of a developing or success of recovery from an eating disorder.

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Chris Sharma!

 


 Sport and eating disorders.

Well research has shown that people participating in competitive sport are at higher risk of developing an eating disorder such as Anorexia or Bulimia Nervosa. OSFED (Previously EDNOS) is also a cause for concern as it has been highlighted as the most dangerous of eating disorders. I guess sports can be categorized into Technical, endurance, aesthetic, weight dependent. ball games and power sports. Amongst these Aesthetic sports carries the highest rate of eating disorders with weight dependent sports coming a close second.

You may ask. What does this have to do with climbing? Well to be climbing is not one sole category but a multitude. One of those being weight dependent. Not forgetting technique and potentially endurance and power sport. This however is all dependent on your chosen area of climbing. Be it sport, trad, Alpine,bouldering, mountaineering or competition.

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Steph Davis!

 

So of course your ability to climb at any given time is partly down to weight to muscle ratio. Fat won’t help you get up the wall.Specially in female climbers pressures to be thin are added. This could all lead to the development or severity of an eating disorder. There are some very thin climbers out there.

There is also the pressure factor. Be it from family or your coach. There is the potential that climbing families can apply too much pressure on the child. The potential on a coach pushing a young person too far. To a predisposed individual talk about simple things such as weight- to – muscle and healthy eating could play a part in the cause or increasing severity of an eating disorder when mixed with other known factors such us; bullying, perfectionism, pressure from school, abuse or death of a loved one.

Your eating disorder may portray itself to you as a way to excel in your sport. It may start as a fitness plan or a healthy eating plan and rapidly spiral out of control.

Climbing and recovery.

This section I guess specifically focuses in indoor climbing and competition climbing. When grades are most important. While in recovery from an eating disorder simple things such as putting your harness on or your chalk- bag round your waist may become triggering. Maybe the feeling that your going backwards instead of forwards. The inevitable weight gain. This can all effect recovery. Not just mentally but physically.

We all know that exercising at a low weight is extremely dangerous and can be the cause of heart attacks and premature death. There is also the fact that exercising during the weight gain process can cause you to overshoot your natural weight. Of course us climbers can’t just not climb. It’s like a drug and to many sufferers of eating disorders exercise is like a drug.

So yes not only can climbing be a cause or reason for an increase in severity it can also be a hindrance during the recovery process. Especially when not many people know of your disorder.

My Experiance

Well I’ve had an Eating disorder for six years. EDNOS. About 18 months ago I started climbing. I was rubbish at it but I loved it. It was just for fun then really. No weight-to-muscle to triggering coaches, no targets apart from those which were self set. May 2013. I climbed my first 6a. My instructor said something about how I was light so it was easy for me. Not that this was the cause of the increased severity in my eating disorder as many other factors played a part but it was something I remember almost a year on.

June 2013 I had lost A LOT OF WEIGHT. Ok probably not that much. We don’t have working scales at home so I can’t give definitive numbers but people were commenting. June 2013. Marking the start of recovery. When recognized and openly admitted there was a problem. June 22nd, I went to my friends party. A buffet. Ok I didn’t eat a huge amount and refused to eat dinner that evening. I also proceeded to do some silly amount of sit ups that evening but it was a step in the right direction.

I guess I was fighting for recovery from then on really. I was however still losing weight. Late July I gained a whole 1/2lb. This freaked me out like hell. Returning from holiday in august things started to slip again. Thing is with this slip my climbing was noticeably better. I onsited a 6a+ Not just climbed, no hours spent. Just straight up. No effort what-so-ever. I was so tiny it was all so easy.

Picking myself back up from the relapse. Eventually I guess climbing wasn’t a problem until 2014 came along. Since the new year I have been gaining and gaining and gaining. This is due to a failure to be-able to intuitively eat. A failure to be-able to eat what my body needs when not in control. Sometimes it feels like I’ve developed Binge eating disorder. I may have climbed my first 6b about a month ago. Bouldered my first v3 along with that. Following a series of recant injury’s however climbing the crack was near impossible last Friday. My arms are just too weak for it. They never used to be. I can only attribute that to the impeding far growth on my stomach. I can’t deny it to myself. It is there and it is real. There could of course be many other factors attributing to a drop in performance. This could include how I hadn’t eaten lunch and how my shoulder was not actually fully healed. There is also the fact that the recant injuries meant training had been lacking.

So now I’m sitting on the fence. I don’t gain as much enjoyment from climbing as I once did. I swear I’ve gained atleast a stone since the Friday…A lack of workouts and being at my nans. She forces food down my throat and I feel pressured to eat it. Writing about it makes me feel so guilty. I need to be skinny again. I need to lose weight not give in to this.

I guess I can’t quit climbing for another 9 weeks. It would be unfair on my mother. Maybe in those 9 weeks I will find new perspective. When I get home tomorrow I will beable to train again. Maybe if my parents allow me to become a vegan that will make a difference. Or maybe my climbing ability will not get any better and I may still be climbing worse than everyone else but I will have learnt to accept that and stop comparing myself to others. There is a chance that one day I will be-able enjoy climbing once more. Not for the competition and not for the grades but out pure love for the sport. The sense of freedom and challenge. I guess there’s no point in me climbing if it’s to “be the best”. I never started climbing to be the best. I started out of pure enjoyment. The feeling I get when climbing.

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Me bouldering indoors at fort Purbrook about a week after returning from holiday. No pressure, no one to compare myself to. Just me and the wall.

 

Maybe happiness well come and one day I may find my passion once more. Climb for enjoyment not to be good at it and not let my eating disorder allow me to believe anything about how I should lose weight, need to lose weight and how my BMI is way to heavy for a climbers. I need to learn to climb for fun and not competition. Only then will my love and passion return.

When your school uniform is triggering!

Year 11. So not aloud any new uniform. My school skirt. At the beginning of year 11 I had to roll it up 3 times or it would fall down. Now I can only roll it once. Unless on my waist (but then it looks slutty)

My skirt is designed to be tight. I hate feeling my clothes on me. Makes me feel fat. It’s like I can feel my fat on my body when I wear close fitting clothing. As I realize I can no longer have it right round my hips. No longer roll it up as much as before I feel like and obese monstrosity. How can someone gain so much weight in such a short amount of time? 

The fact that it’s tighter than it ever was. Well that’s how I feel. I try to make it as tight as possible. Make myself feel as small as possible despite knowing of the monstrosity I am.

Feeling it getting tighter makes me feel awful. Triggers me into restriction. Relapse. Thankfully though so far my school skirt has only caused a few minor slip-ups. Still I can’t wait until I’m rid of it forever! I take is off for PE. Take it off in the evenings. I see my fat spill out. Signs of the obese pig I am. Heavier than I’ve ever been. Higher BMI than ever before. I used to try and kid myself I was still thin but where’s the reasoning in that? All that will do is cause me to eat more and in hand become more and more obese. 

I don’t allow myself to not roll up my skirt at-all. Why? Because then I’m allowing myself to be fat. Same reason why I don’t accept compliments about me. It allows me to accept my flaws and why should I accept my flaws when for the last 6 years I am been aiming for perfection?

So How can you combat the wrath of the triggering, tight school skirt? (and other items of uniform)…

Well I feel what makes uniform of any type different to our every day casual clothing is that we have to wear it A LOT. For school uniform 5 days a week 7-8 hours a day. MINIMUM! There’s not really a way to avoid triggering uniform especially if it’s school uniform and your in your last year and your mum won’t buy you anything new. I know some schools will provide students with uniform. But who wants old and worn clothing?  No girl wants that.

I guess the way to deal with triggering uniform would simply be learning to accept yourself for who you are. I know simply said but not simply done. Only in learning to accept yourself and accepting your flaws, will you truly be accepted into society. By learning to love and accept yourself people will love you more because you, yourself will be the most exciting person you can be when you discover true acceptance of yourself. 

 

So I guess that’s it really. The Journey of recovery. Finding yourself. Accepting yourself. Knowing that your body’s changing. You may lose, gain. Overshoot, undershoot. You may be one of those lucky ones in which the weight restoration process goes smoothly. Physical recovery may come quick for you. 

Yes recovery may be a long and hard journey and your weight may feature all over the BMI section throughout but it is all part of a good Journey. Your on the road to enjoying life once more. Living instead of just surviving. 

 

Weight Gain is not always negative nor is it always fat.

Getting back on the blogging train and am going to write about weight gain after my nan made my put on my prom dress just after I ate 2 1/2 biscuits. 

So being the number fixated person I am and the fact that since Christmas I have gained a stone in weight I have had a very bad body image and there have been a few little slip – ups as far as my eating disorder is concerned.  It really started to get worse after I reached 9 stone. 126lb. 57.27kg. Heavier than I’ve ever been from memory. Ok it argues that I may have been heavier at some stage or that weight at some stage and just didn’t know about it because I do not always have access to scales. We currently have none at home and often during my eating disorder they broke. Also even if 56kg was my heaviest I was 13 then! Yes I may not have grown much since being 13 but I’m 16 now so logically I am going to be heavier. All of this freaking out and near relapse was basically over nothing. 9 months into recovery. A number on the scale still being the thing that fuels my eating disorder. Now you could just say. Don’t weigh yourself! It really isn’t that easy and those with eating disorders would now that especially those who at least used to be good and used to, or maybe still do; enjoy maths. The scales call me. I feel bad if I don’t step on them at every given opportunity. Slowly I am working through that though and it is getting easier.

What isn’t getting easier however is dealing with the number on the scale. Now my fears had just proved to be wrong. I have not gained pure fat since Christmas and actually some of that weight is for the best. OK I need more muscle so I can climb as hard as I couldImage while lighter and maybe some hard technique training but I don’t live to be a good climber because face it I’ve been climbing since September 2012 of course I’m not the best 16 year old climber there is. I know tons of people better than me, some even younger. If I lived just to climb better than everyone then I might aswell be dead.

As the bolded part of this post states. I had to try on my prom dress. The thought of that. Panic attack inducing alright. I was convinced I would have to restrict severely in order to fit into it again. Too my surprise it fit and yes if I don’t wear heals it will have to be taken in so it sits properly round my waist and I don’t trip over it. (Wouldn’t that be embarrassing!) Yes my hips, bum and thighs are bigger and I have gained some fat. Not an overwhelming amount though. I would even go as far as saying my body needs what I’m eating. Yes my weight will not stabilize but I abused my body for 6 years and rarely stated the minimums stated on youreatopia. That and the fact I exercised A LOT during the weight gain phase scared all I would gain was fat without. So yes I may overshoot and yes I may still be gaining weight and yes my prom dress may not fit me come June. Is that really a big problem though? Does it really matter? The answer to that would be no. As long as I’m healthy and happy at the end of it all. That is the only thing that matters.

My Argument towards meat eaters un-open to veganism

Meat eaters un-open to veganism

So as you know I have been interesting in going vegan lately. Well since august time. So what about 6 months. I have done my research and this is not an irrational decision.

My granddad goes and shouts at me cause my mum was moaning at him about it like “YOU CAN’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ ON THE INTERNET!” A) I don’t believe everything I read on the internet. b) I do not just get my research from Freelee. 

I have done research into the meat industry, the dairy industry and quite frankly even without the research I felt the meat industry was wrong. (I’m not aloud to be vegetarian either) Why should we use animals for our own benefit? Since when was a horse or a dog more valued than a cow or a sheep?  Yes you could argue that they are companion animals but then any animal could be a companion animal. It is just what we have been bought up to believe. Now you could argue what is the issue with fish? Well extinction for one. Yes there are common species of fish which we tend to eat but some tuna’s and cod’s are becoming rare species. Now as you all know all animals are a vital part of the ecosystem they live in. Why should we have the right to destroy that? There is also the fact that not all tuna is dolphin friendly and not just dolphins but turtles to. Just because it says “Dolphin friendly” on the label. How do you know you can trust your tuna is harming species. Remember the horse meat scandal! (Those in the uk) Do you really know what your eating? There again with meat is the issue of unnecessary pain and suffering in the process of catching fish. So fish should be treated no differently to birds or land mammals. 

There is then of course the issue of health. It has been proven that red meat can lead of an increased risk in Cancer. Me having a high chance of getting Breast Cancer due to family history of the thing would like to do all I can to prevent it and it has been shown that going on a vegan diet can help prevent and even cure Cancers. Breast cancer specifically. Milk contains pus and eggs a lot of cholesterol. Yes I am aware we need a certain amount of good cholesterol same as we need a certain amount of good fats but you can get plenty of that on a vegan diet. Fish has the potential to be highly Toxic and as with other meats with prices decreasing, face it food standards will go down. Both animal standards and tests to make sure it’s safe for us to consume! We get told endlessly about the obesity epidemic in the western world. Diets. Constant diets. Diets which don’t work. You’ll always fall off that wagon! The 5:2 diet would count as one. All rely on restriction. Labeling foods as good and bad. With veganism there will be no need to diet. As long as you don’t eat too many of those hydrogenated fats. If you eat a balanced vegan diet you will have less chance of being obese than if your eating your diet full of meat and milk. 

Surely what we all want in life is to be the healthiest we can be. Have the most energy possible and achieve what we dream. A vegan diet can support that! Look face it if your one of those obese or overweight meat eaters or you one of those meat eaters who has been on a calorie restriction diet and fallen off the Wagon. You can’t argue with me on the health perspective. Ethics well you chose. I would hope there are at-least some people not desensitized to the animal industry.