Aside

Struggling, feeling out of control.

Ok so I have not posted a blog post in forver. Cause revision and obsessions with stupid tv shows (more like addictions)

Anyway it’s taking me a while to admit this but… I’m struggling. With life and with my ED. I’ve been making sure I’m below 2000 cals all this week and I still feel like I’ve underestimated and gained thousands of lbs. I didn’t count over the weekend and I felt like an obease cow on monday. I swear my school skirt was tighter. If I’m not fat enough already. -_-

I guess this has been comming all along though, I have been struggling with body image incresingly more since meeting and exceeding my previous highest weight. The rapid gain that comes with not counting calories has spent me into a downwards spiral. I even threw the majority of my easter chocolate in the bin!

What for exactly?

See this is the question I don’t know the answer to. What is it that makes what the eating disorder says automaticaly right and whar has to be done. Why is is that the eating disorder has to dictate how I can ‘t have any icecream or a hot chocolate? Why is it that the eating disorder makes me feel guilty for even thinking about icecream and hot chocolate?

It’s actually strange to realise how unrecovered I really am. Yes my weights fine but in my head I’m still so sick. Just no one notices. No one cares. I can skip meals and no one calls me out on it. The enviroment I’m in now makes it so vunerable to relapse and I have to take responsibility for myself so I don’t. Right now I’m using that “You need energy for your exams” thing. But after my exams…

To tell you thr truth I want to get skinny again. And no not healthy skinny, toned.. I don’t want that. I want my bones back and I want to be emaciated because people cared about me when I was underweight. People worried and people noticed me. My mum cared about me then a lot more than she ever has and I long for that back. I long for a mum who cares. And yes I know we used to fight all the time when I was skinny, skinny but atleast she noticed me. Said I was too skinny. She cared. If being skinny is the only way I can get as close to a mum who is going to hug me and tell me “it will all be ok “,as I can get. Well Skinny, skinny is the only option because truth be told I just want acceptance from my mum, I want her to love me, care about me treat me with respect.

I know she loves me really and you’ll probably call me selfish now because people are living in poverty, dyeing of cancer, living in dangerous areas of conflict.

I know I have it easy to others but we all have out struggles in life and this is mine. I know poverty is awful, living in areas of conflict…. And cancer. Well three people in our school have died from it in the last three months. Trust me. I don’t think my problems are worse than anyone elses. I think there significantly better and sometimes I belive I’m just putting on an act for attention. Moaning over nothing.

Maybe to an extent I have trouble admitting I have a problem, or maybe it’s because even my own dad has called me an attention seeker. I hate that term “Attention seeker.” The only times I draw attention to myself is when I’ve been pushed too far and I can’t take it anymore. I try to surpress my feelings as much as possible and I know it isn’t healthy but no one would want to be friends with someone who moans 24/7. I’m a shit friend. I know that. I totally understand why my friends have been quiet around me and ignoring me… I’m attnetion seeky, annoying, moany, I have a big nose, I walk like a man, I smell, my hairs a mess and quite frankly it probably looks like I have no self respect.

I feel so lost and so out of control right now… Just having so much rushing through my head…. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. I hardly sleep anymore because lets face it sleep is overrated. I’m going to fail my GCSE’S because I never revise enough and probably going to end up homeless.

This fear of failure and lack of acceptance it really is hurting me… breaking me…

 

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My take on ‘An Inspector Calls’

I guess upon passivly reading/watching the play it leaves you with many questions. Who is the Inspector and who is Eva? Are both of them even real? So yes being the person I am, I shall share my veiws on this.

The Inspector

I guess the inspector serves as the ringleader of the play. He is god, the voice of Priestly. The inspector acts as the trigger and is the cause of the nights events. His strategic way of investigating one line of enqiary at a time makes the audiance on edge and unravells the story at a perfect pace. At the end were left wondering. Is it the same girl? As Birling and Gerald imply at the end, it may have been a hoax. Was he a fraud? The two still hadn’t chanched their ways after the inspector had left. Birling, too stuck in his old ways. An optamistic veiw of the world.  He’s right and no one is ever more right than him. Gerald, being bought up an aristocrat, again. Had not seen a huge change in the course of the play. Priestly included the inspector to get his own veiws across. To change the audiances idea of responsability. The butterfly effect. Our actions affect everyone. Even though we may not know or care about it at the time. He makes us aware of how lots of small things can lead up to one big tragedy. A lost life… 

The inspector is a rather inspiring character. I guess because Priestly was desperste for change. Equality. The inspectors last speech is more directed to us. The audiance. The speach in itself rather eye opening and thought provoking. 

But remember this. One Eva Smith has gone- but there are millions and millions and millions of Eva Smiths and John Smiths still left with us, with their lives, their hopes and fears, their suffering and chance of happiness, all interwined with our lifes, and what we think and say and do. We don’t live alone. We are members of one body. We are responsible for eachother.  And I tell you that the time will soon come when, if men do not learn that lessson, then they will be taught in fire and blood and anguish. Good night.

 

I guess this speech could do serve as a warning. “Then they will be taught in fire and blood and anguish” I guess it’s like saying if you do not learn the error of your ways and start taking responsabilty for you actions one day it will come back and hit you in the face. Just because you ahve it easy for not it doesn’t mean you will have it easy forever. The overriding theme of the play is responsability. For ourselves and society. “We are members of one body.” Our lives are all interlinked. We need to take responsability for our actions. Treat others how we wish to be treated ourselves. Eva Smith was an innocent woman. Described often as “Pretty” and by Gerald as “Warm- hearted.” This shows us that people often die innocently. Eva deserved more than she recived. Eva deserved love and security. She deserved happiness and her death was a great tragedy. Preistly wasnted to open the eyes of the audiance, make them realise that social class shouldn’t matter. Being rich doesn’t make you the best and being poor doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. Preistly belives everyone deserves help in life and everyone deserves to be treated with respect. That is what the inspector was there to do.

So is the inspector real? Well I guess thats your desision. I myself have to belive he was actually there. In the birlings home, only because it’s difficult to belive all that happened and he was never there in the first place. I still belive that even though he was there in a way he is Priestly’s voice. He is god. He has control of the situation, and often the one who takes charge. The inspector is also our consience. Serving us the oppertunity to evaluate ourselves.

Eva Smith

Well Eva. In my eyes she represents every working class woman. Represents everyone mistreated by society. Everyone who recived less than they deserved. I belive this in part because Smith is the most common english surname and Eva is close to Eve, who in the story of creation was the first woman to walk  the earth. Another reason for my beliveing this is the inspectors last speech. “One Eva Smith has gone” This is hinting at the fact that Eva. She really was just a cover up. A name to the face all the characters remember. Apart from Gerald who knew her as Daisy Renton. The inspectors speech also uses repetition of the word “millions”, further engaging the audiance and making them realise that maybe this girl is not real as such but there are many like her in society and they all deserve help and to be cared for. Least of all they deserve respect. My views are also supported by the fact that we can’t be sure the inspector showed everyone the same photo. So yes there is a chance that they are all talking about different girls but the actions are still the same. 

So how did the inspector know a girl was going to die? How did he know so much about the Birlings? Theres something a little fishy here. 

Yes this does seem a little odd. Maybe the inspector is a psychic or he too could have had some involvment with the girl himself. This issue could also draw back to him not being real. A ghost maybe, the name “Goole” hints to it. I guess thats for you to decide. 

Death.

I guess upon hearing the news about one of my year 8 teachers dyeing, it hit me. Death can happen to anyone at any time and more often than not it happens to the most kind-hearted, caring and helpful people. Those beautiful on the inside and out. People who have influenced the lives of many. 

She was always happy. She made RE exciting! I never really tried in RE in year 8 but she never got mad. Thing is until having her as a teacher  we had those annoying teachers who just drum catholisism into you and make the subject boring. Strict teachers that although may know a lot they didn’t know how to engage students. Re was a bore until January 2011. I remember hearing she had cancer. I was so shocked. She was so young! I guess this was the first time Cancer really impacted upon my life. Yes the odd family member here and there had suffered but I’d either A) Never met them or B) Was too young you remember them. That following may my great grandad died. I didn’t know him all to well either. So I guess it never really bothered me too much… 

Then came december.  My auntie was diagnosed with Cancer. This really did impact upon me. She is such an amazing, inspiring, kind-hearted person. Somewhen after that. Marchish… 2012. That same RE teacher was a supply for this french lesson. She seemed ok. Happy, full of life. This gave me hope that my Auntie would be ok. That she would recover and thankfully my auntie did. She beat cancer.

Miss Dickens… unfortunatly. She lost the fight and I guess it just came as a shock a reminder that life shouldn’t be taken for granted and that everyone dies eventually. That woman who impacted positivly on so many lifes… gone. At the young age of 25 too! I guess you could argue that because of this there isn’t a god but what you have to understand here is that god works in mysterious ways. I guess when suffering hits home you have to belive something good will come out of it! Drawing back on Miss Dickens death I worry for my aunt. Lots of my online friends recantly have had aunties die from/be diagnosed with cancer and one of my friends aunts died a couple of months back. Even when recovered from cancer you can’t be sure it won’t come back. My great auntie got it twice! I guess there’s no such thing as fate. Ultimatly there will never be a happy ever after and no one has a perfect life. People get sick, people die. The path someone takes in life and your death date… It’s not fixed. Life isn’t linear and there is no such thing as destiny. No such thing as fate. Fate… It twists and turns and bends the rules. A great friend told me that one a couple of years back and it’s true. Yes I life loved by many is lost but you can’t say that’s the end. Maybe a cure could come out of it… Or just more awareness. She had a very rare form of cancer. (Ewing’s sarcoma)

Anyway. I fear I’ve veared of topic a little. I remember when Amy Ratnett died. Another amazing person. A beautiful soul. She too lost her fight. Not with cancer but with her eating disorder. This made me realise… you never belive your going to die. Think your the special case but truth is it’s recovery or death. Pretty much like Cancer. You get better or you die. I guess they’re both one and the same really. Just one physical and one mental. 

Opening my eyes. Comming out of my disorder and slowly back into the real world. I’ve realised bad things happen all the time. Suffering is all around us but not all is bad. Life is beautiful, goodness can come from anything and everything.. Beauty is all around us and life. It’s just a mix of the good and bad. What I have learnt is you should never take anything for granted because you never know when you might lose it and never have you destroyed your life because it will always work out in the end. 

So yes that concludes this incredibly long blog post. Death is inevitable but that doesn’t always have to be bad and it doesn’t mean life is over. Live the best life you can and your soul will live on; in the hearts and minds of those who you touched.