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Struggling, feeling out of control.

Ok so I have not posted a blog post in forver. Cause revision and obsessions with stupid tv shows (more like addictions)

Anyway it’s taking me a while to admit this but… I’m struggling. With life and with my ED. I’ve been making sure I’m below 2000 cals all this week and I still feel like I’ve underestimated and gained thousands of lbs. I didn’t count over the weekend and I felt like an obease cow on monday. I swear my school skirt was tighter. If I’m not fat enough already. -_-

I guess this has been comming all along though, I have been struggling with body image incresingly more since meeting and exceeding my previous highest weight. The rapid gain that comes with not counting calories has spent me into a downwards spiral. I even threw the majority of my easter chocolate in the bin!

What for exactly?

See this is the question I don’t know the answer to. What is it that makes what the eating disorder says automaticaly right and whar has to be done. Why is is that the eating disorder has to dictate how I can ‘t have any icecream or a hot chocolate? Why is it that the eating disorder makes me feel guilty for even thinking about icecream and hot chocolate?

It’s actually strange to realise how unrecovered I really am. Yes my weights fine but in my head I’m still so sick. Just no one notices. No one cares. I can skip meals and no one calls me out on it. The enviroment I’m in now makes it so vunerable to relapse and I have to take responsibility for myself so I don’t. Right now I’m using that “You need energy for your exams” thing. But after my exams…

To tell you thr truth I want to get skinny again. And no not healthy skinny, toned.. I don’t want that. I want my bones back and I want to be emaciated because people cared about me when I was underweight. People worried and people noticed me. My mum cared about me then a lot more than she ever has and I long for that back. I long for a mum who cares. And yes I know we used to fight all the time when I was skinny, skinny but atleast she noticed me. Said I was too skinny. She cared. If being skinny is the only way I can get as close to a mum who is going to hug me and tell me “it will all be ok “,as I can get. Well Skinny, skinny is the only option because truth be told I just want acceptance from my mum, I want her to love me, care about me treat me with respect.

I know she loves me really and you’ll probably call me selfish now because people are living in poverty, dyeing of cancer, living in dangerous areas of conflict.

I know I have it easy to others but we all have out struggles in life and this is mine. I know poverty is awful, living in areas of conflict…. And cancer. Well three people in our school have died from it in the last three months. Trust me. I don’t think my problems are worse than anyone elses. I think there significantly better and sometimes I belive I’m just putting on an act for attention. Moaning over nothing.

Maybe to an extent I have trouble admitting I have a problem, or maybe it’s because even my own dad has called me an attention seeker. I hate that term “Attention seeker.” The only times I draw attention to myself is when I’ve been pushed too far and I can’t take it anymore. I try to surpress my feelings as much as possible and I know it isn’t healthy but no one would want to be friends with someone who moans 24/7. I’m a shit friend. I know that. I totally understand why my friends have been quiet around me and ignoring me… I’m attnetion seeky, annoying, moany, I have a big nose, I walk like a man, I smell, my hairs a mess and quite frankly it probably looks like I have no self respect.

I feel so lost and so out of control right now… Just having so much rushing through my head…. 24 hours a day. 7 days a week. I hardly sleep anymore because lets face it sleep is overrated. I’m going to fail my GCSE’S because I never revise enough and probably going to end up homeless.

This fear of failure and lack of acceptance it really is hurting me… breaking me…

 

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