Feeling Out of Control and Stress About Prom Dress

There are those days, those weeks in recovery where you long to restrict, you feel more out of control than ever before. The reason may be completely irrational but that doesn’t change a thing.

I am hiding what I’m feeling through getting lose in a fictional world, one of fandoms. I’m smiling laughing, to hide what I’m feeling inside. 

There’s just something about not counting calories it just makes me feel so out of control,  so fat, so greedy. I’m not going to progress in my recovery however if I continue counting and counting calories in all honesty it does start to drive you crazy. 

I’ve maintained my weight for 3 weeks now, but I still thought I’d gained 5000lb recently. I fear that I’ve gained weight, i fear it to the point I don’t want to step on the scales but I do. Not counting calories increases that fear, in the past when I have not been counting calories I’ve gained a minimum of 1lb a week. There’ only so many lbs one can gain before they become overweight. Before they actually start to look fat to others and not just themselves. 

The fear is increasing in my mind, I worry my prom dress won’t fit come wednesday. I will suddenly blow up like a balloon.

And what if I get my period? (It’s 2 days late) I will be so bloated then that there’s no hope on earth that it will ever fit. And what if it doesn’t fit?

WHAT IF IT DOESN’T FIT!

The thought of it not fitting is haunting me, breaking me. It’s exhausting me and causing me a huge amount of stress. I have thought about buying a new dress, an emergancy dress. But from where? And it will have to match all my other stuff. I remember once I decided I was going to buy it in a size 14 although I am only a size 8/10 (UK that is) 

I feel so out of control because food is a fear but I can no longer just not eat. It’s not that simple anymore…

I wish it was.

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Aside

A year today, I started my recovery Journey. At this point I do not think I was underweight, or if I was it was very borderline. That’s because you don’t have to be underweight to have an eating disorder and you don’t have to be underweight to recover.

I have relapsed, ended up “significantly undwerweight” as my triggering doctor mentioned, that day when I entered the room, alone, wanting to recovery but not wanting to recover. I said I ate normally but that was a lie. That was september 1st 2013. I started recovering before-hand. A year ago today.

After a few long talks with my mentor I didn’t want to stay sick. I didn’t want food to be such the controlling power it had become over the past 5 years. I chose to try and fight against it. Actually make an effort to eat “Normally” At first I did lose a little more weight, then I maintained. I was only eating 1200 calories, but it was a good start. I started to increase my calories, knowing I needed to gain weight. 2000-2500. I tried to eat healthily. It was all good. Actually recovery was quite fun.

UNTIL

That morning… that dreadful morning in the summer holidays when I had stepped on the scales and gained 1/2lb. YES 1/2LB So I started restricting again, 900-1200 calories if I remember rightly. I lost 2lb in 3 days…. Don’t ask me how. On Holiday straight after I had a raging appittie and ate 4000+ calories most day, I am sure of it. Although it was all unknown and therefor could not count. I gained 3lb that week. That’s when the relapse really started.

I was underweight already but 3lb. It was too much! That was when I started restricting to a MAXIMUM of 900 calories a day. I tried to fight it. Part of me still wanted to get better. I tried to challenge myself, I just felt so awful. I thre food in the bin, pretended I had eaten it. I remember once I had awful knee pain and wouldn’t take ibuprofen. Do you know why?

Because of 0.5 calories

Now that’s just a little extreme right? I had to be empty, I barley at any of dinner with my family, but just enough to keep them unsuspecting. As the weight dropped off the fights started. I found it hugely unfair that my brothers didn’t have to eat dinner but I did? It wasn’t even like I had much of an appitite by that point, I could only eat a few mouthfulls and I felt sick to my stomach. It was awful.

As I had said previously, I was trying to fight it, it was just so hard. That was when I started to binge and oh god did that make me feel awful. See I have this phobia of throwing up and I had binged 4 times within a week. That sunday evening I couldn’t sleep. I felt so sick, I knew it was because of the food. I remember spending nights purposfully keeping the window open, leaving off the duvet, doing endless sit-ups and lunges. Anything to burn off all that fat. Discretly burn off that fat, without my parents knowing.

I remember when my form tutor said “It’s because you are slim.” SLIM! SLIM! That wasn’t good enough for me. When a class mate said “Your so incredibly skinny.” That was good enough for me. “Skinny. Skinny.” Yes I liked that, being refered to as skinny.

So at some stage picked myself back up, I got my dad to make me breakfast to make sure I ate it. 2 slices of toast. 1 Jam. (NO BUTTER OR SPREAD) 1 Marmite (NO BUTTER OR SPREAD). That was when I really started to get better and also when recovery turned into some sort of living hell at times. When I realsed how triggering the world truly is.

Not many people knew about my eating disorder, at first. Eventually I learnt to become more open about it. Which is why I started blogging. I want to raise awareness and show people that they are not alone in this.

The weight gain stage is terrifying, stepping on the scales is terrifing. Even today. There are some days I can’t bring myself to eat cake, some days I can’t bring myself to eat lunch, or dinner. Some days I majorly overeat. (Like today) But I can honestly say things get better. I am in a better position both mentally and phsycially than I was this time last year. I’m happier, I can walk up the stairs without feeling like I’m about to have a heart attack and I actually enjoy life; even though most of it is spent in my room atm cause exams and shiz.

I weighed in at 9st this morning. I still feel fat, I still feel like it’s too much and I havn’t come to accpet my body fully yet but I am getting there and I am working towards it. I give myself days where I don’t count calories atall. (Weekends) and only rough estimate some of the time. Now I am trying to learn to listen to my body. It’s hard, but in the end I am sure that it will be worth it.

The last year has been a whirlwind full of emotions but if there is one thing I would like to end this on, it’s that:

Recovery is worth it. 


Pre-ED age 9: Summer 2007
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Recovery Snaps 🙂

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Slenderman

I guess this recent Stabbing in Wisconsin will mean there is going to be a load more shit about the dangers of the internet and how it is ruining minors today. I am outraged by this event and I guess you just have to know where to draw the line between fiction and reality. I actually wrote an article in my english exam yesterday on the matter of social networking sites being banned. I disagreed, why should these sites be banned just because a few people misuse them? It is not fair on everyone else and it is not fair that because of this even people will probably belive all who like creepypasta’s, such as myself are psycho, or that ceepypasta causes that. IT DOESN’T!

It’s not even like it’s anywhere on the creepy pasta Wiki that he has this mansion or that he has ever told anyone to kill someone else.

These girls quite probably have some form of psychoisis, and whether the internet had anything to do with that or not, I don’t know. What I do know is some people have genetic predisposisions to mental illnesses and some do not. It does not mean they all get a mental illness or kill because of it.

And back onto the topic of the internet. I am a very heavy internet user. At the moment I am working on writing my criminal minds fanfiction. And I’m sure alarm bells are probably ringing. Yes I admit I used to roleplay and get lost in a fantasy world but I knew when to draw that line. 

I would never kill over some fantasy world, I may get angry and be all like “Oh I’m going to kill her.” But I never mean it. I could never pick up a knife and stab someone once, let alone 19 times! I could never shoot or strangle someone. I just hope people realise that not everyone who reads creepy pastas and likes slendy, Jeff, Sonic.exe and all the rest of the creepy pasta’s are psycho. And that just because of this isolated incident things like this don’t get banned, because it is something many of us enjoy in a safe way. 

I wouldn’t kill for Jeff the killer, Somnic.exe, Slenderman or Ben drowned. (They are my fav creepy pasta’s) And I know many other people who wouldn’t also. It is just something we enjoy, just like other people are fans of other things. But just because we watch videos for these characters, we draw these characters and write fanfiction for these characters id doesn’t mean we would kill for them. Or kill because of them.

Same with roleplay, just because people roleplay as Jeff the Killer, Roleplay as slenderman, roleplay as Ben Drowned, it doens’t mean we belive we are them or they want us to kill someone for them. And we definatly would never do it.

Anyway that’s all I have to say. I’m just angry I guess. I hope this incident doesn’t ruin it for everyone as it would not be fair on the majority of us who enjoy it in a safe way.

ARTICLE ON THE STABBING http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-27684258

SLENDERMAN: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/The_Slender_Man

 

 

Hotlines. Use them.

Recovery Enby

  • Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696
  • Suicide Hotline:1-800-784-8433
  • LifeLine:1-800-273-8255
  • Trevor Project:1-866-488-7386
  • Sexuality Support:1-800-246-7743
  • Eating Disorders Hotline:1-847-831-3438
  • Rape and Sexual Assault:1-800-656-4673
  • Grief Support:1-650-321-5272
  • Runaway:1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000
  • Exhale:After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253
  • Child Abuse:1-800-422-4453
  • UK Helplines:
  • Samaritans (for any problem):08457909090 e-mail jo@samaritans.org
  • Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem):08001111
  • Mind infoline (mental health information):0300 123 3393 e-mail: info@mind.org.uk
  • Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice):0300 466 6463 legal@mind.org.uk
  • b-eat eating disorder support:0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: help@b-eat.co.uk
  • b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders):08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm – 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)
  • Cruse Bereavement Care:08444779400 e-mail: helpline@cruse.org.uk
  • Frank (information and advice on drugs):0800776600
  • Drinkline:0800 9178282
  • Rape Crisis England & Wales:0808 802 9999 1(open 2 – 2.30pm 7 – 9.30pm) e-mail info@rapecrisis.org.uk
  • Rape Crisis Scotland:

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