Brief update to start, just so you get a gage on what will be said.
I have recently stopped counting Calories and last time I checked my weight/had the oppertunity to was 8st 10 3/4. Meaning I’ve lost a further 3 1/4lb. Oh and for all of you who are interested Prom was wonderful and my dress did fit! YAY.
Brief update earlier now to start on what I really came here to write about.
For the last week while participating in the past week of NCS my ED thoughts have resurfaced majorly. I have not felt these thoughts and acted on them for ages and it feels horrible to be giving in to my eating disorder so easily again.
What’s good is that I know why these thoughts reoccured. The fear of the unknown. I’m used to eating what I want. If I want to count calories I could without too much effort. I know what my parents cook and I trust what they cook now. With the meals I make myself I am quite a repetitive creature at heart so I know the calories without even thinking about it.
This fear of the unknown is causing me to feel awful about myself once again. FAT. OBEASE.
OUT OF CONTROL.
I know this probably sounds really silly of you were on NCS with me or have done NCS before but due to eating what I’m going to describe as Unsafe/Unknown foods I feel I have gained a a good 4lb this week. Of course I have just lost weight and if I find I have gained it I am literally going to break.
I percive myself as fat still, I still have major body image issues over a year on from when I started recovery. I want nothing more than to be skinny, have slim legs not ugly fat chunky excuses for legs which I have now.
I want to be 45kg again. I want to starve but I know I shouldn’t.
Today those thoughts have been strong. I have been fighting with myself over various things like eating/not eating. Purging/Not purging. Over exersising/Not over exersising.
You get the general gist of things.
Last week I was quite active anyway which kept the thoughts at a managable level, today I feel like a lazy fat cow.
Again next week I have to eat unknown/unsafe foods. Apart from one night when I will have to be part of the cooking so will know what is in said meal.
Before I thought I would be fine within a year. Not eating disorder, but that isn’t the case atall.
Recovery is a long and hard Jouney, inner battle with yourself. Over the last year I’ve got much worse and much better. On the whole I am a lot happier and feeling a lot healthier now than I did this time last year.
Over the past year and almost two months I have come to realise that recovery is by no means easy but it is very much possible. Recovery is like a rollercoaster ride. You have ups and you have downs. A little like life really.
Recovery isn’t linear and it never will be linear.
At times it will feel like your going one step forwards and two steps back, other times you just feel stagnent but eventually there will be the day where that voice inside your head no longer exists; your eating disorder will become a none issue and you will beable to live life to the full again.