The Madness of an Eating Disorder. (Weight Loss)

So, I’ve lost more weight, which puts me at a total 15lb loss from my highest weight! WOWZA!

I wasn’t even trying…

I don’t really know what to feel about it to be honest, I feel fatter than I did when I was at my highest weight and no ones mentioned that I’ve lost weight, it’s been relatively steady weight loss though and apart from my oblivious family I only really see one of the people now who I saw when I was at my highest and lets not talk about her, that’s for another post.

My eating disorder thoughts are getting stronger and where I’m at my nan’s all week I know I can’t weigh myself because if I gain I will freak. And I will gain cause she makes me eat more than I am comfortable with/when I am not hungry.

It’s like the more I lose the more I’m scared of gaining, the more I’m scared of being fat because I am fat, I already have too much fat at any weight…. I will never not have too much fat until I’m skin and bones and even then…

I look fatter than when I was at my highest weight, or that’s what I see in the mirror… The more I lose the worse the thoughts are getting and the more guilty I feel about eating even though deep down somewhere I know I probably need it.

I’m just not happy where I am right now and I am so exhausted from fighting the thoughts. Part of me is thinking I haven’t actually lost weight and it’s the scales that are broken… Maybe I have gained and I’m deceiving myself…

Bad Day

Mental Illness is hell. Eating disorders are hell. Sometimes recovery is hell.

I’ve been having a really hard day today, and some relatively minor things have just left me feeling triggered and upset.

We were doing something about bullying in english, It kinda hit a nerve and triggered me to self harm because that’s part of why I started to cut myself, because of the bullying I have faced for as long as I can remember. I like to say I am over the bullying now but I’m really not, being bullied for so long and in every school I have been t, in clubs outside of school and by kids in the neighbourhood. Well that bullying has made me even more self-conscious, paranoid about people talking about me; laughing at me. After being a victim of emotional bullying when I was in year 9 I am constantly paranoid over new friendships and I find it hard to trust people. Maybe in some respects I am stronger because of it but the wounds are still there.

I just want to give into my self harm urges so much

Then in law; well several things happened. You know when you say something silly and then you find yourself thinking back to all the silly things you’ve ever done in life. Well that happened and made me even more upset. I was almost crying in class and I just couldn’t focus for the whole tine. I just feel like such an idiot, such a failure. I need to cut myself….. a punishment for being this way, right now I’m still clean but I’ve been fighting urges since Friday afternoon and they are so strong right now.

So, so strong. 

The other thing that happened in law was ED related. It triggered me and now I feel like a failure for having 1502 calories today, especially after not counting on Saturday and having 2142 yesterday. There was this case concerning a woman/girl with Anorexia Nervosa. Basically she died and it was involuntary manslaughter or something. I don’t know why this was triggering but it just made me feel like a failed anorexic. That’s what I am isn’t it?

That’s what my EDNOS was…

I have an image of her bones, an image of her body and the sad thing is. I like the bones…