Lapsing

Blogging between class, just because I can. Laptops and wifi are all I need to make me feel at home.

Ok, so recovery is not going too well right now, it hasn’t been since starting college really but in the last couple of days it has taken a sudden turn for the worse. Two sentences of a book, that was the final trigger.

Two sentences, out of the book “wasted” by Marya Hornbacher. I will not share these sentences in fear that I will trigger others, but it is amazing where those two sentences have left me. I am trying to fight, fight against the thoughts it has left me with but they are so strong. 1100 calories is a fight even though I am allowing myself 1200.

The question is why? Why has this happened now. Over the summer holidays I was the most recovered I’d ever been. I was maintaining at my set point eating what I wanted when I wanted and barley eating calories. I ate with friends, ate food they offered. Now the thought of that in unconceivable. (Unless I was to know the exact calories in said item of food.)

I have been thinking about the why a lot and it has lead to to the conclusion that it is because I am not happy where I am right now. Not happy in college, not happy at home. Over the holidays doing NCS, I coud hide from the problems with my family, it made them seem not so bad but now. Now I’m lonely at college, feel like an outsider, all the family problems seem to be getting 10X worse or that is how I am perciving them.

I want to lose weight but I don’t want to lose weight, I am in constant onflict between myself and my eating disorder. I pray that this gets better.

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