Eating disorder · Uncategorized

A Safety Net?

I’ve come to some realisations over the last few days:

  1. I dont really want to recover from my eatig disorder.
  2. And that is because it is a safety net to me.

Now let me explain….

I feel safe in my eating disorder, in restriction. I feel like no one can hurt me and no one can control me. It is just me and I feel powerful in abstaining from food. I know this sounds really silly but it’s true and thats why I am the way I am. That’s why Im holding on instead of making a real attemt to recover despite starvation making me increasingly cold, tired and lightheaded.

I’m actually sitting writing this in my coat and I’m still cold, which is crazy really.

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4 thoughts on “A Safety Net?

  1. I can quite relate to this in a way. As much as I’d rather be “normal’ and just do normal things, I don’t want to gain weight (as is pretty normal for someone with an ED). Being at a lower weight feels safer, and even at the weight which I am now, having gained, feels scary and I almost wish to lose a bit for that extra “safety” yet I know on some level it’d never be enough, it’d probably just be a back and forth…as such though, I am striving to work as best I can to move forward.

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