Last time I posted I was going to uni to study law, although having doubts about my decisions in doing that. I have had ever since applying.
The last few weeks have been a bit of a rollercoaster ride, what with my exercise addiction being worse than ever and my parents being not very nice to me in general, mum speaking in that tone of voice she does aad calling me things such as a “nasty piece of work.” and saying I’m being all “me me me.” On top of that they’ve both been super triggering, mum on yet another one of her diets and dad always commenting on what I’m eating, how much I’m eating and calling people “greedy at every chance he gets.
It’s some sort of minor miricle that I’m still a half sane indavidual, atleast trying not to relapse into anorexia.
I did get very close, especially over the last few days.
But over the last few days I’ve come to know myself a lot more. I’ve fully realised am not ready to go to uni this year and I do not want to study law. I’ve come to realise my true passion in life is outdoor adventering and climbing more specifically and so in the future I want to do something surrounding outdoor adventuring. Whether it’s just being a climbing instructor or working at a place like PGL. If I go to uni it will be to do outdoor adventuring or something similar. And maybe one day I’ll open my own business. We’ll see…
The problem is the taking steps to achieve this goal. What i thought was social anxety before, I’ve now come to realise is more a fear of rejection. Going to church to ask the minister to sign my passport application, asking lecturers for references… I’m scared they’ll say no. I’ve had so much rejection in my life that I struggle to believe they’ll agree and say yes to these things… because why would they?
I’ve been struggling with overexercise because it’s a distraction. I’ve been restricting because I don’t know how else to cope. I’m terrified of the adult world, terrified of failure, beng looked down on and living on benefits.
I’m so terrified of having no life that I’m using these unhealty coping mechanisms so I won’t have to face that. won’t have to face it because I’ll be dead or in hospital.
Now I’ve identified all of this I really hope I can sort this out, rationalise my thoughts and take steps to achieve my goals in life.
Stay strong and keep fighting,