Understanding Emetophobia

Today I’m making a blog post about something slightly different than usual but something I have experience with and something which only recently I have not felt so alone with.

Emetophobia is a fear of vomiting which in some cases can be debilitating and always intervines with “normal life.”

I don’t know how long I’ve had emetophobia for, I think since the age of 10-11. Thats around when my earliest memories are, and by my earliest memories I ean my parents telling me I’m a horrible person because when someone in the family gets a stomach virus i turn into exactly that. A horrible person. I struggle to be in the house, I usually hide away at my nans. I’m scared to go to the bathroom, I actually have to hold my breath while I pee incase somehow I get sick from the sick person that was in the bathroom just from breathing in there. When soeone in my family is sick I tell them I want to kill them and that I hate them. I don’t go into the same room as them. I won’t touch any food that has been in said room because what if it’s been into contact.  still struggle to eat atall when someone else is sick although since being n recovery from anorexia I have been able to rationalise that a lot more.

I can only go out to eat somewhere or get a takeout if the food hygeine ratng is 4-5. The reason I didn’t go to my friends party last year was mainly because of that. The food hygeine of the place was 2 and I’d read reviews on trip advisor about rats and food poisoning and even though some of them we’re fairly old I couldn’t bring myself to go because what if I to got sick. Especially at a sleepover when  didn’t know two of the people. As someone with social anxiety aswell every part of me was saying no. Yet at the same time I felt incredible guilt.

I used to not be able eat rice because of something my food tech teacher said about how it could give you food poisoning. I would never order chicken in a restaurent because thats just asking for trouble. I could never eat anything past t’s best before date, even if n reality it was perfectly fine. And even now I still get anxious if I do happen to eat something past it’s best before date.

I remember when there was the norovirus outbreak on cruise ships in 2012/2013 and it terrified me because we were going on a mini criuse that may. This also happened to be around the time my eating disorder turned into anorexia and i reember no wanting to go for on this before because I’d get sick. I spent the whole wee
kend being scared I’d get sick or get fat.

I worry about the future because of this disorder

. I worry about getting cancer because chemo, I’m never going to get prgenant because morning sickness and what if the kid gets sick? I don’t drink because what if I’m sick?

I’ve never had any support foc95ecdb096dab3c49222efffed8c0e76r this disorder. Only misunderstanding and hate. y own parents tell me “I need to be locked up” and that ” need to stop being so horrible.” They tell me “I won’t beable to cope at uni.” So much that going to uni and living in halls terrifies me so much it actually puts me off of going because people will get sick and what if I don’t get allocated to an ensuite room and I have to share toilets? No one understands that I have a disorder, instead they just think I’m being silly. Or lazy or diffcult. Or just plain horrible. As my family does with all of my mental illnesses.

 

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Going Vegan?

Hello everyone, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted again but what can I say? A levels combined with life leaves not much time for writing or making videos.

Anyway today I’m going to talk about how and why I’m going vegan and share some thoughts and feelings.

I’ve been interested in veganism for years to tell you the truth. Since around the San time that my anorexia was at its worst. However then I was to look like freelee and now it’s for the right reasons. For the animals for the environment. I’ve been watching a lot of youtube videos and speeches and documentaries educating about veganism and it reached that point where I just couldn’t contribute to cruelty any more however much my parents hate me for it, don’t support it and say I’m “brainwashed”, “extreme” “hardcore” or “a terrorist.” However much people in the ED recovery community respond by saying I’m “triggering” and “using veganism as an excuse to restrict.” I am form in myviews that eating animals or animal products is wrong and that animals should not be harmed the way they are. They should all be loved and respected. I want to contribute to the end of work hunger. I want to be the change I wish to see in the world.

That is why I am trying veganism even though my parents are trying everything short of force feeding to make me fail and I don’t  have a job so can’t afford my own food. Part of me doesn’t want to make I definate yet incase I do fail or gab to go back to eating dairy and eggs g health reasons. Because there’s not enough plant based food in the house. Which there seems to be just about right now.

Iwould hate to go back now. Knowing the information I know but I’m always going to keep in mind that my health is more important and I can always go back to veganism if I do fail when I get a job/ move out.

I do I know that ultimately veganism is right for me and it is right for the animals, the environment and the starving children. And that I will spend atleadtbthe majority of if not all the rest of my life as a vegan.