Guess who’s back, back again.
Me of course. I always come back in the end.
Anyway today I want to write about binging, and more specifically the fact that I am binging again and what it is like to relapse into behaviours after recovery.
So over the summer I had a chronic illness flare up and lost weight. To below my set point and so of course my body is reacting. Leading to be now reactive eating/binging. Whatever you want to call it it is not pleasent and it does mess with my mood and make me even more bloated than usual. Which yes is possible. I’ve tried not having junk food around and turns out I then move towards binging on healthy food which makes me feel horrendously sicky the next day. Not ideal. And of course it’s cheaper to binge on bourbons than it is on Dates, Nakd bars and PB.
Binging was never a main eating disorder behaviour of mine. I did binge. When I was gaining weight in recovery an when I was really overexercisisng. But it’s never something I’ve turned to for emotional reasons or boredam. Or atleast I don’t think so. And that aspect of it I think is even worse and makes this whole fiasco more confusing. I’m engaging in an unhealthy behaviour, I have no control over myself with regards to food in the evenings and I have no idea why. There’s no reason for me to do it so why do I do it?
That’s the question that plays in my head every night after I’ve binged. Why? My life is better than it’s ever been. I have friends, I have drama, I have inapendence. The only hang ups I have with life right now are the fact that I’m doing a degree I don’t love and the need for a job or volenteering or something but being so anxious that these things are prevented in a variety of ways.
I have no reason to binge so why? And why can’t I stop myself or control myself? Sometimes it’s like there’s a devil on y shoulder egging me on. Telling me to carry on. Most of the time there’s nothing, no conflic between the rational me and that devil on my shoulder. I just do it because I’m fixated on food and I can’t control myself. I can’t help myself. I need to do something, but I don’t know what. I need to stop it because it’s a problem. It doesn’t make me feel good. Mentally or physically in so many ways.
The question is what? I am in a situation I have never really had to deal with to a large extent before and I’m stuck and desperate to change this.