2016 · endometriosis · Personal

I struggle to socialise because of my chronic illness?

Hello, It’s me, blogging again. Today I am blogging about socialising and how I struggle with it and making friends mostly due to my chronic illness and in part related to my mental illnesses.

So I have been chronically ill since I was 11. Which in short made me feel ill a lot of the time and made my friends back then get fed up because of me feeling ill all the time. I’m not going to go into all the details in this post as you can read about that in one of my previous blog posts.

This has lead to me A) Not knowing how to socialise and B) Struggling to make friends.

Lets address A first. The not knowing how to socialise. Being chronically ill for 8 years has meant I don’t know what to talk about in social situations. I genuinly have no idea how to start a conversation. I can normally manage to contribute when a conversation has been started to some extent but I do really struggle with not knowing what to say because I essentially missed out a lot with regards to social experiences from having friends who got sick of me being sick. And also because when something consumes your life for so long sometimes it is all you can think to talk about. I did notice that when I was recovering from anorexia the first time.

And then theres B the struggling to make friends as again it can be hard to figure out what to say to new people and also because it can be hard for people to get to know you when you’ve been chronically ill for 8 years. Purley because there is not much to know about you. Everyone else seems to have been on amazing adventures up until this point in life and I havn’t. I’ve binged watched criminal minds, grey’s anatomy, scandal, higher ground, brothers and sisters, alley mcbeal and various other shows. I’ve studied. But for the most part that really is it. Because I was too ill to want to do anything else a lot of the time. Hobbies I found enjoyable before stopped being enjoyable because they hurt me.

And then theres the issue that combines both of these. The way in which the chronic illness impacts on you day to day. Yesterday my friend thought I was getting bored of her or something and in reality I was in some moderate pain and I just didn’t want to stand up. But I couldn’t explain that to her. How would that work: “No I’m not bored of you but I’m starting to get period like cramps when I’m not on my period because my body a mess.” And then theres the fact that sometimes you just don’t want to hang out or you do want to go home early because of the pain. Or the fact that you can’t commit incase your having a bad day. It just causes so many problems. ¬†The reality is I don’t feel comfortable telling them I am chronically ill right now for a number of reasons. One being because my symptoms arn’t that bad, not as bad as they were in terms of pain severity and not as bad as so many others experience. The second being the fact that I’m not officially diagnosed with anything and I think they’d thing I’m making it up for attention or being stupid because I have yet to see someone about my symptoms. I guess that’s one of the many ways in which my anxiety interefers with me. The third and final reason is because I’m scared I’ll lose them or they won’t want to live with me next year because of it… and I’d be back to square one of being a hermit again.

So yes that is that. I guess it is just something I will have to learn to navigate.

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