Hello everyone, today I just need to get things out. And rather than talk them through because lets face it. I have no one to talk to. I’m going to write the through in the hope that someone may help reassure and calm me about what the rest of my life or the next 4 years atleast has to hold.
I’m supposedly going to uni in september. To study law. Either in east london or north london. Yes the big scary city. It is not so much the big city that is daunting me though. I love london.
It’s the indapendance. And the having to live with other people. Having to manage money.
First things first I have a phobia of vomiting. So what if I don’t get allocated an ensuite. I will be 100% a mess otherwise. And what if someone else gets sick? Even if I do have an ensuite I don’t know if I will beable to cope with that because what if I catch it? And I am so scared of vomiting… So so so scared…
And what if everyone hates me. My mum has sad it any times before. “Everyone will hate you at uni.” I’m so scared of being alone, I already am alone but I’m scared of being more alone than already am and I don’t know if will be able to handle being around other people all the time. People scare me. Especially people my own age because some of them are so horrible. I’ve never really fit in anywhere. What if I don’t fit in at university?
And then theres this money issue which effects my whole life. I’m scred of spending money to do things I want… I’m scared of spending money on anything other than food or to replace things that are broken. And thats actually going to prevent me from being able to make friends at university. I’m also scared I won’t be able to get a job, baring in mind i seem to be completely unemployable given the jobs I’ve applied for in the last year… What if I don’t have enough money? And my mparents won’t help because “I need to get a job.” I can’t help that no where wants to employ me. I can’t help that I may be too crippled with anxiety to even consider gettng a Job…
Anyway. I think that explains it all…
Honestly. I’m considering moving to thailand and just figuring this mess of life out from there. But ob course with my vomiting phobia which also extends to diarrhea the water issue and long flight also causes issues.
Today I’m making a blog post about something slightly different than usual but something I have experience with and something which only recently I have not felt so alone with.
Emetophobia is a fear of vomiting which in some cases can be debilitating and always intervines with “normal life.”
I don’t know how long I’ve had emetophobia for, I think since the age of 10-11. Thats around when my earliest memories are, and by my earliest memories I ean my parents telling me I’m a horrible person because when someone in the family gets a stomach virus i turn into exactly that. A horrible person. I struggle to be in the house, I usually hide away at my nans. I’m scared to go to the bathroom, I actually have to hold my breath while I pee incase somehow I get sick from the sick person that was in the bathroom just from breathing in there. When soeone in my family is sick I tell them I want to kill them and that I hate them. I don’t go into the same room as them. I won’t touch any food that has been in said room because what if it’s been into contact. still struggle to eat atall when someone else is sick although since being n recovery from anorexia I have been able to rationalise that a lot more.
I can only go out to eat somewhere or get a takeout if the food hygeine ratng is 4-5. The reason I didn’t go to my friends party last year was mainly because of that. The food hygeine of the place was 2 and I’d read reviews on trip advisor about rats and food poisoning and even though some of them we’re fairly old I couldn’t bring myself to go because what if I to got sick. Especially at a sleepover when didn’t know two of the people. As someone with social anxiety aswell every part of me was saying no. Yet at the same time I felt incredible guilt.
I used to not be able eat rice because of something my food tech teacher said about how it could give you food poisoning. I would never order chicken in a restaurent because thats just asking for trouble. I could never eat anything past t’s best before date, even if n reality it was perfectly fine. And even now I still get anxious if I do happen to eat something past it’s best before date.
I remember when there was the norovirus outbreak on cruise ships in 2012/2013 and it terrified me because we were going on a mini criuse that may. This also happened to be around the time my eating disorder turned into anorexia and i reember no wanting to go for on this before because I’d get sick. I spent the whole wee
kend being scared I’d get sick or get fat.
I worry about the future because of this disorder
. I worry about getting cancer because chemo, I’m never going to get prgenant because morning sickness and what if the kid gets sick? I don’t drink because what if I’m sick?
I’ve never had any support for this disorder. Only misunderstanding and hate. y own parents tell me “I need to be locked up” and that ” need to stop being so horrible.” They tell me “I won’t beable to cope at uni.” So much that going to uni and living in halls terrifies me so much it actually puts me off of going because people will get sick and what if I don’t get allocated to an ensuite room and I have to share toilets? No one understands that I have a disorder, instead they just think I’m being silly. Or lazy or diffcult. Or just plain horrible. As my family does with all of my mental illnesses.