The Madness of an Eating Disorder. (Weight Loss)

So, I’ve lost more weight, which puts me at a total 15lb loss from my highest weight! WOWZA!

I wasn’t even trying…

I don’t really know what to feel about it to be honest, I feel fatter than I did when I was at my highest weight and no ones mentioned that I’ve lost weight, it’s been relatively steady weight loss though and apart from my oblivious family I only really see one of the people now who I saw when I was at my highest and lets not talk about her, that’s for another post.

My eating disorder thoughts are getting stronger and where I’m at my nan’s all week I know I can’t weigh myself because if I gain I will freak. And I will gain cause she makes me eat more than I am comfortable with/when I am not hungry.

It’s like the more I lose the more I’m scared of gaining, the more I’m scared of being fat because I am fat, I already have too much fat at any weight…. I will never not have too much fat until I’m skin and bones and even then…

I look fatter than when I was at my highest weight, or that’s what I see in the mirror… The more I lose the worse the thoughts are getting and the more guilty I feel about eating even though deep down somewhere I know I probably need it.

I’m just not happy where I am right now and I am so exhausted from fighting the thoughts. Part of me is thinking I haven’t actually lost weight and it’s the scales that are broken… Maybe I have gained and I’m deceiving myself…

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