Gaining Perspective, learning to go easy on myself while I can.

Hello, so frequent readers of my blog will know that I have recently been going through a lot of feelings of guilt, weakness and denial. But recently I feel I have found some perspective or atleast I am starting to get over those feelings for the time being.

I guess it comes from the perspective of others, and those others not being my parents. Whom are like they are and pushy like they are about certain things, one being me having a part time job and working that job regularly because they worry. And because they don’t understand. They don’t understand that I am chronically ill. Heck I don’t think they even know. I know I’ve never told them. And not only that- they don’t realise how full on being a law student is. Especially if a) you want a good degree classification and b) you’re not super intelligent. Yeah, life was all fun and games in first term. I did manage to study adequately and for the last couple of weeks of term, commit to rehearsals,  work a couple of shifts and socialise a lot. Yeah, I did push my body too far. I was so ill and my chronic illness was so bad, even for weeks after term ended but I did manage to do it all.

But now I’ve realised, and this is because I’ve realised if I do work, I need a new job. And all Other jobs will provide regular commitment of hours that it’s just not going to be practicable.Not for my health and not for my grades. More not for my grades to be honest. Because I am going to have to start revising for exams now, start making proper notes and taking things more seriously. Which takes up time, it means I do have to do some studying over the weekend, when before I had weekends free to netflix and chill or go on autumnal walks.

And for a while I beat myself up over that, beat myself up for taking the easy way out. But the reality of it is – as long as I stick to some sort of budget I don’t need the extra money this year. So why would I add the stress and strain of regular working hours on top of uni, drama (the love of my life) being chronically ill and maintaining a social life. I might look out for when uni are next recruiting student ambassadors so that way I can still have some income but until then. I will quite happily not work regularly and try not to feel shame for that.

Fact of the matter is I am a productive uni student, not the most productive but I am productive and I do try hard and work hard. So why should I feel guilty about not doing enough? When I do do enough.





Ok previously I thought. No I knew the reason for my current going backwards was my weight. Fat doesn’t help you get up the wall and ED said I needed to get skinny again or I’ll never beable to climb as high as a dream. Oh but how come people much heavier than me can climb? With a lot more fat than me ed? HOW ED? That’s what I relised today. There are many factoes contributing to my current lapse. 

Has my climbing got worse? Yes. Has my technique got worse. yes? Am I less focused/ less commited? Yes!

And here is why. 

  1. Exhaustion! Ok it doesn’t take a genious to work out that if your not sleeping as much as you need to your not going to performe to our best. I have been sleeping in a lot lately jut out of an inability to tay awake. I constantly feel axausted. Recantly I have started trying to  sleep 8 hours a night but I can’t seem to get to sleep and if I o then I wake up uring the night and/or have slightly bizzare and horrible dreams which mess with my mind. 
  2. Nutrition, nutrition, nutriton. Relating to my lack of sleep ina way, I find it as an axcuse not to have breakfast. I am currently struggling with my eating disorder a little and I’m not really eating meals just random snacks and even then I’m finding it hard to eat. This ofcourse has an impact on my focus level and climbing ability. 
  3. Recant run of inury’s This is rather self explanitary.
  4. I have a cold. Idk this might affect my climbing ability.
  5. Exam stress. I’m so worried about not passing these exams and failing that not only am I not revising because im stressed and I currently can’t escape to my room cause no laptop and theres no space on the desk downstairs but the stress is having an effect on my focus levels.  

So how to deal with this and get back on track?

  1. I need to work out a schedule. Like  9:30 bed, 7pm: revise till 9pm 4:30pm: Workout…. And draw it up so it’s set in stone.
  2. I need to calm down about the exams!
  3. I need to start meal plans again! *cries* Oh but not your average nutitionist set meal plan! MY OWN MEAL PLAN! (For breakfast and lunches anyway and maybe snacks. My parents prep my dinners.)

Ok I’m going to revise now. Once I’ve cleard this damn desk. Bye!!!!!!