Between Law and Theatre

So it must have been November time when i came up with the clever idea to change degrees, change the course of my life. And embark on the journey of considering, thinking and eventually applying for and getting an offer to study Theatre at the university I currently attend and study Law at. Now this was a long process, with a lot of careful thought and consideration before I made the application. It took me 5 months to finally get my act together and decide to make the application. Deciding that I would regret not taking the opportunity to study what I love. What I have a genuine interest in. So I did and within 24 hours I was invited to a selection day, which happened around a month and a half later.

During this month and a half I went through all the motions. Starting with my friend, or “friend” as she should be more aptly termed as to be in line with the current state of affairs. Anyway it started with her basically saying I couldn’t act, but in that nicey nice civil politically correct way which I oh so hate. That oh you have potential. In that awful tone of voice that says it all. You don’t have potential. Your rubbish. And then she said it all, dropping the nicey niceyness and saying I’m offputting on stage. Now if that didn’t hit my already incredibly low confidence hard. That statement I can never get out of my head. I’m off putting on stage. No not the statement the word. Offputting. This is why I have no friends, this is why I can’t get a job, this is why my family are the way they are towards me. This is why I can’t act. Why I never got the main role and was always shoved in the background, given some pathetically minor role that says “well done for trying, but you really don’t cut it, but obviously to be politically correct we have to give you a role, we can’t just leave you, this one person in the class, the year group, the extra curricular club out.” And then she went on to say she thinks I’m making a mistake. Great way to support a friend right? Telling her she’s making a mistake. Another thing I can’t get out of my head. What if I am making a mistake? What if this is all wrong and despite months of consideration this is a stupid path to embark upon. 

I got a C in GCSE Drama for god sake, off course I’m not equipped to study Theatre.

And second there’s the way people look at me when they find out I might be switching. Trying to be excited for me, pretending even. But not doing a very good job of it. You’re always able to see through it. See that they also think your making a mistake. Because lets face it. You’re the last person to succeed on a theatre degree, to fit in even. Your not confident, you don’t party, you can be highly introverted. Not to mention your A levels involved nothing even remotely creative. Oh and your off putting on stage. Which just adds to the idea that your making a mistake to anyone who’s ever seen you on stage. Because lets face it. Why would any one want to see me on stage? Why would anyone see me as a theatre student.

And thirdly and finally, there’s my parents. Who try to be supportive but you can tell they want me to stick with law. Which I 100% whole hardheartedly understand. What with Law seeming like a more practical degree in terms of future career options and the extra debt coming from the 4th year at university. And what if I hate it and want to drop out after first year and that’s just more debt with no gain in terms of career prospects at-least.

I guess all of this just exacerbates the fears I had and thought I’d reconciled with and justified before taking the plunge. The fears I’d not overcome but decided that they were fears that shouldn’t stop me. And now it’s all come back. And my guts telling me to do law but the thought of declining that offer. It makes me even more depressed than I have been feeling at times lately. It just feels like I’m sending myself into an Abyss of darkness and cluelessness. An Abyss of studying something I’m not passionate about with no end goal. No plan in life.

By declining that offer I feel I would be plunging myself into an abyss with no way out.

But I’m so terrified of theatre, even though it’s what I want. What I enjoy. What I have a genuine interest in. And the selection day, despite initial nerves ended up feeling so natural. A stark contrast to my law applicant day last year where I felt so out of my depth.

And at the end of the day right now, nothing seems like the right option. Nothing seems like my path in life, my destiny. Or even. This will make me happy. I think theatre will make me happy but will it? What if I can’t manage balancing the academic and practical requirements.What everyone in my year hates me? What if I fail? Or don’t get that 2:1 I oh so desperately want whatever degree I conclude. At the end of the day Law is the safe option. But it’s not what I want in life. But it’s an excuse to hide in the library rather than coming home to a house of so called friends. It’s the same to what I’ve been doing all these years. Revise for the exam, pass the exam. It’s just not what my heart is telling me…

So here I am. In a state of confusion. Unsure about what’s wrong or right. Unsure about my path in life. In a position in which a decision needs to be made but feeling paralysed as to my abilities in making that decision.

Between Fiction and Reality.

I’ve noticed something. I’m happier when I’m out of reality. Obsessing over TV shows. Fictional characters. Fanfictions, roleplays. I guess the reason I’m writing about it is because I recognise it is a problem. I’m actually in tears right now. I can’t handle real life anymore. I’m such a skank it’s not even funny. I can’t keep my room tidy and I have such severe anxiety around my family that I struggle to shower or have a bath when there in. I havn’t washed my hair in over a week because I feel I’m being judged for turning the shower on. I feel I’m getting in someones way, being a burdan. The only way I can wash is by turning taps on in the sink and using some shower gel or whatever. It’s like unless I’m told I just physically can’t bring myself to shower. I’m too scared, which is why I try to wash in a way people won’t know… I’m scared of being judged for everything I do because that’s what my parents do. They are the most judgemental people ever.

Thing is. I was happy. Happy when I was lost in the world of brothers and sisters. Ok I still havw that ever impeding feeling of how I’m going to fail my GCSE’s because I ever seem to revise enough and none of it ever goes in but atleast I was happy. This has been happening for years now. More noticably when I started to roleplay. It provided an escape. I don’t know what from, but something. I cannot remember a time when I have been happier in the last 2 years than when I was roleplaying. A time I felt so free from reality. 

I recognise this is not healthy and honestly I am fully aware of how much of a pathetic, weak failure I am and how I will get nowhere in life. It’s not even like my life is that bad. I don’t have a relationship with my mum atall anymore and my brothers always take top priority in the family but that’s nothing compared to people who are paralysed, have cancer, living in extreme poverty. It’s nothing.

I guess this is why I feel so guilty. So Self-centered. Like I’m the only important one. In part I’m jelous. I envy everyone around me. Everyone who can shower, everyone who meets up with there friends and makes something of their spare time, instead of just sitting around getting lost in fiction. Another reason I can attribute to this fictional obsession is longing. The desperation for someone to help me, save me from myself and the need for a mother. And yes I have a mum, I have a dad. Were the classic nuclear family. But what I mean but I want a mother has nothing to do with genetics or the Edexcel GCSE Religious Studies, Marriage and Family Life topic.

What I mean when I say I want a mother is this.

  • Someone I can talk to when I just need someone to talk to.
  • Someone who will hug me and tell me it will all be ok.
  • Someone to help when I need it.
  • Someone who tells me she loves me, Shows me she loves me.
  •  Someone who pays attention to me. Seems happy to be around me. 
  • Someone who shows intrest in my day.
  • Someone who will pick me after school when I have to stay back late (Walking when it’s getting dark is not fun)
  • Someone who listens to and respects me.
  • Someone Honest who doesn’t bitch about me behind my back.
  • Someone who doens’t make an argument out of everything I say and do. 

I guess many of my problems are associated with my lack of mother. I have the genetic figure but her actions are far from mother like towards me. My brothers well that’s a different story. I guess my obsession with fiction really does filter down to this though. My need for someone who is there for me, loves me unconditionaly and shows it.