Gaining Perspective, learning to go easy on myself while I can.

Hello, so frequent readers of my blog will know that I have recently been going through a lot of feelings of guilt, weakness and denial. But recently I feel I have found some perspective or atleast I am starting to get over those feelings for the time being.

I guess it comes from the perspective of others, and those others not being my parents. Whom are like they are and pushy like they are about certain things, one being me having a part time job and working that job regularly because they worry. And because they don’t understand. They don’t understand that I am chronically ill. Heck I don’t think they even know. I know I’ve never told them. And not only that- they don’t realise how full on being a law student is. Especially if a) you want a good degree classification and b) you’re not super intelligent. Yeah, life was all fun and games in first term. I did manage to study adequately and for the last couple of weeks of term, commit to rehearsals,  work a couple of shifts and socialise a lot. Yeah, I did push my body too far. I was so ill and my chronic illness was so bad, even for weeks after term ended but I did manage to do it all.

But now I’ve realised, and this is because I’ve realised if I do work, I need a new job. And all Other jobs will provide regular commitment of hours that it’s just not going to be practicable.Not for my health and not for my grades. More not for my grades to be honest. Because I am going to have to start revising for exams now, start making proper notes and taking things more seriously. Which takes up time, it means I do have to do some studying over the weekend, when before I had weekends free to netflix and chill or go on autumnal walks.

And for a while I beat myself up over that, beat myself up for taking the easy way out. But the reality of it is – as long as I stick to some sort of budget I don’t need the extra money this year. So why would I add the stress and strain of regular working hours on top of uni, drama (the love of my life) being chronically ill and maintaining a social life. I might look out for when uni are next recruiting student ambassadors so that way I can still have some income but until then. I will quite happily not work regularly and try not to feel shame for that.

Fact of the matter is I am a productive uni student, not the most productive but I am productive and I do try hard and work hard. So why should I feel guilty about not doing enough? When I do do enough.

When your school uniform is triggering!

Year 11. So not aloud any new uniform. My school skirt. At the beginning of year 11 I had to roll it up 3 times or it would fall down. Now I can only roll it once. Unless on my waist (but then it looks slutty)

My skirt is designed to be tight. I hate feeling my clothes on me. Makes me feel fat. It’s like I can feel my fat on my body when I wear close fitting clothing. As I realize I can no longer have it right round my hips. No longer roll it up as much as before I feel like and obese monstrosity. How can someone gain so much weight in such a short amount of time? 

The fact that it’s tighter than it ever was. Well that’s how I feel. I try to make it as tight as possible. Make myself feel as small as possible despite knowing of the monstrosity I am.

Feeling it getting tighter makes me feel awful. Triggers me into restriction. Relapse. Thankfully though so far my school skirt has only caused a few minor slip-ups. Still I can’t wait until I’m rid of it forever! I take is off for PE. Take it off in the evenings. I see my fat spill out. Signs of the obese pig I am. Heavier than I’ve ever been. Higher BMI than ever before. I used to try and kid myself I was still thin but where’s the reasoning in that? All that will do is cause me to eat more and in hand become more and more obese. 

I don’t allow myself to not roll up my skirt at-all. Why? Because then I’m allowing myself to be fat. Same reason why I don’t accept compliments about me. It allows me to accept my flaws and why should I accept my flaws when for the last 6 years I am been aiming for perfection?

So How can you combat the wrath of the triggering, tight school skirt? (and other items of uniform)…

Well I feel what makes uniform of any type different to our every day casual clothing is that we have to wear it A LOT. For school uniform 5 days a week 7-8 hours a day. MINIMUM! There’s not really a way to avoid triggering uniform especially if it’s school uniform and your in your last year and your mum won’t buy you anything new. I know some schools will provide students with uniform. But who wants old and worn clothing?  No girl wants that.

I guess the way to deal with triggering uniform would simply be learning to accept yourself for who you are. I know simply said but not simply done. Only in learning to accept yourself and accepting your flaws, will you truly be accepted into society. By learning to love and accept yourself people will love you more because you, yourself will be the most exciting person you can be when you discover true acceptance of yourself. 

 

So I guess that’s it really. The Journey of recovery. Finding yourself. Accepting yourself. Knowing that your body’s changing. You may lose, gain. Overshoot, undershoot. You may be one of those lucky ones in which the weight restoration process goes smoothly. Physical recovery may come quick for you. 

Yes recovery may be a long and hard journey and your weight may feature all over the BMI section throughout but it is all part of a good Journey. Your on the road to enjoying life once more. Living instead of just surviving.