Gaining Perspective, learning to go easy on myself while I can.

Hello, so frequent readers of my blog will know that I have recently been going through a lot of feelings of guilt, weakness and denial. But recently I feel I have found some perspective or atleast I am starting to get over those feelings for the time being.

I guess it comes from the perspective of others, and those others not being my parents. Whom are like they are and pushy like they are about certain things, one being me having a part time job and working that job regularly because they worry. And because they don’t understand. They don’t understand that I am chronically ill. Heck I don’t think they even know. I know I’ve never told them. And not only that- they don’t realise how full on being a law student is. Especially if a) you want a good degree classification and b) you’re not super intelligent. Yeah, life was all fun and games in first term. I did manage to study adequately and for the last couple of weeks of term, commit to rehearsals, ¬†work a couple of shifts and socialise a lot. Yeah, I did push my body too far. I was so ill and my chronic illness was so bad, even for weeks after term ended but I did manage to do it all.

But now I’ve realised, and this is because I’ve realised if I do work, I need a new job. And all Other jobs will provide regular commitment of hours that it’s just not going to be practicable.Not for my health and not for my grades. More not for my grades to be honest. Because I am going to have to start revising for exams now, start making proper notes and taking things more seriously. Which takes up time, it means I do have to do some studying over the weekend, when before I had weekends free to netflix and chill or go on autumnal walks.

And for a while I beat myself up over that, beat myself up for taking the easy way out. But the reality of it is – as long as I stick to some sort of budget I don’t need the extra money this year. So why would I add the stress and strain of regular working hours on top of uni, drama (the love of my life) being chronically ill and maintaining a social life. I might look out for when uni are next recruiting student ambassadors so that way I can still have some income but until then. I will quite happily not work regularly and try not to feel shame for that.

Fact of the matter is I am a productive uni student, not the most productive but I am productive and I do try hard and work hard. So why should I feel guilty about not doing enough? When I do do enough.

Dealing with guilt, feeling over privilaged.

Hello guys.

So lately that nasty little thing called comparison with others has started to creep in again, something major. And it’s creeped in, in many ways. One of those ways is in making me feel like I haven’t done enough with my life in the past. Haven’t been doing enough with my life over the Christmas break from uni.

And I’m not talking about not doing enough with my life in terms of creating new experiences but not doing enough in terms of not having a job and not earning money and never having had a job until 2 months ago. Even with a job now, the hours are so awkward and the location is so awkward in relation to where I live during term time that I struggle to find appropriate shifts that fit in with other commitments and mean I can get back without risking being murdered.

And all of this has lead to be feeling incredibly bad. People my age work crazy hours, somehow balance that with socialising and studying. I’ve worked two shifts in my life. And they were great experiences. One was fun, the other I cried but after that it got better. I just feel like I should be doing more. Yet at the end of the day I know my body can’t take more.

I pushed myself to the limit last term. I ended up getting 3 run of the mill illnesses in a week, the last week of term and so overly exhausted that my energy is only just back to a normal level of fatigue. Not to mention that I am chronically ill and on a bad day I find it nearly impossible to go to lectures and seminars and study from bed. I drag myself in, in comfy clothes and sit at the front near the door in case I need to leave to vomit or I get a bout of diarrhoea or I really urgently need to pee. I am silent and barley engaging my brain in seminars on days I am having a bad day, because I physically cannot. Let alone standing for 4+ hours at work. On a bad day, that is not going to happen. Yet if I had to cancel a shift because of that I would feel so bad, I would feel I had to push through it because that’s what people do. Because that’s what my parents do when they’re sick.

Then there’s the guilt of not having worked since I was 16. Yes I had a paper round until that point so it’s not that I’ve never worked as such… but I do feel like I’m overly privileged. In the sense that I don;t make my own money, but I have student finance and savings and occasionally my parents and other family members may help me out. So I live fairly comfortably without having to try. Without having to make my own living… and I feel bad about that… even though obviously there are reasons why I can’t 100% make a living.

First and foremost it’s that I’m a law student. Being a law student takes a lot of time, a lot of study, a lot of reading. And for any student, balancing a full time job and passing well would likely be near impossible. Secondly I have a chronic illness. I may not be diagnosed but there is something wrong with me. That means I fatigue easily, I have sometimes severe pain, I have nausea, bloating, diarrhoea, frequent and intense urges to urinate. Upon other symptoms. Obviously that limits me to some extent, fortunately not anywhere near as much to others who are chronically ill. And there were reasons why I didn’t work before hand, number one being it did not seem to matter however many jobs I applied for no one wanted me. I barley got any interviews. Secondly I was such a mess back then, mentally and also physically (I would say I was more physically ill then than I am now, in terms of how severe the symptoms were. They just weren’t as frequent.) I wouldn’t have lasted had a got a job. I was an anxious mess and then I was a depressed mess and then I had a flair up and my health really deteriorated and I relapsed into my eating disorder and decided I had to work on myself. At least until the ED related physical ill health was gone. And then exams came around and then no one wanted me for a summer job. So it’s not like I haven’t tried and not like had I not tried that I had no excuse. There were reasons.

But I still feel so bad about it, especially on days like the last few days where I’ve felt fairly healthy. Not totally healthy. But about the healthiest it gets for me right now and I feel like I could do everything, be some sort of superwoman and do it all… and then feel bad for not.

Does anyone else feel the same or has felt the same in the past? Or is it just me? With multiple mental illnesses that have still to be completely overcome along with an  chronic illness, not officially diagnosed, that makes this wonderful thing called life a very complex and confusing journey to say the least.