Oh I am the queen of rock bottoms and reciving no real mental health help because funnily enough when I’m like that I’m not capable of getting it myself.
Anyway in Hannah’s latest episode of poor mental health she decided to disown her family because of the trauma and because she was basically kicked out. She did some very awful things though.
When Han here’s get yourself sectioned she apparently runs away and hemorrages money,
Currently, I’m at my aunts and doing my best to look for a place in the City my new job is in. Providing all references etc are okay. I am however considering panic applying for other jobs in the meantime just in case.
And honestly….
Whilst I’m so much happier away from my family I’m not okay.
The trauma my parents have caused is still there, of course it is. It infiltrates into daily behaviour. I get flashbacks I feel anxious over stupid things. I worry about money. My savings aren’t going to last me long. What if this job doesn’t happen? Whilst I have a little income from other jobs it’s really not much at all. I have medical issues to deal with. How do I get catheters to where I am? Especially if I don’t know where I will be from one week to the next. So no I’m not okay. But I’m not in crisis. I’m not hurting myself or anyone else. I still have bruises from hurting myself. Scars from cuts when I was younger. My aunt lives in the middle of nowhere so I will be relying on her to get everywhere. To get to the shops to get period products or medication I may need. To go to A&E if god forbid my body really throws a hissy on me. It shouldn’t but always a risk. The unknowns scare me. Not knowing if or when I’ll find somewhere to permanantly move to. If and when I’ll start the job.
There’s pieces of my life I’ve wanted to keep together but haven’t been able to give the time and dedication to. Training contracts, legal career stuff. My head is just in so many different places right now. The worry about embarrassing myself live on zoom because I haven’t been able to give the time and dedication.
Life is complex. It’s difficult. But I hope soon it will get easier.
Spoonielivingfree 