My experience with imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome has been talked about quite a lot over the last year. Having learnt about it, and listened to many others talk about their experiences through it via YouTube I thought it was about time that I discuss my experience with imposter syndrome.

Impostor Syndrome is characterized by the conviction that you don’t deserve your success. It is the feeling that you’re not as intelligent, creative or talented as other people seem to believe you are. It is the suspicion that your achievements are down to luck, good timing or just being in the right place at the right time. And it is accompanied by the fear that, one day, you’ll be exposed as a fraud.

I definitely relate to this. I have incredibly low self esteem and when things go right, I feel as though a mistake has been made. I feel like it was just luck, good timing or that it was in reality something incredibly easy and any idiot could have done it. I am not good at seeing my own achievements as a success and I’m scared that one day everyone will realise how useless I really am, or that they already know that. Understandably, this can make life incredibly difficult to deal with.

In some cases imposter syndrome can be debilitating. Although it’s not a formal clinical diagnosis.

Personally, if I get good grades I think they’re wrong. If I win academic awards I think a mistake has been made. If I get a job, I question whether I’m really good enough and whether the employer has made a mistake.

I check my final year grades every single day because I still can’t believe it’s true…

For my first two years at university imposter syndrome really effected me. Not to the point that it was debilitating but enough to be something weighing my mental state down. I got into my admittedly not great uni (In terms of league tables but I couldn’t imagine having gone anywhere else) with BBB at A level and a further BC at AS. With a couple of resits thrown into that mix too. The offer I received was ABB. Yes I know I was only one grade off but I just had that feeling that I didn’t deserve to be there, that everyone else had it all together and was so much better than me. This was especially true when compounded by low grades in my first year. (I got 2:2s in all my coursework).

I still felt the same in second year, even though my grades had improved. Like I just wasn’t enough. Like everyone else was so much better than me.

It’s difficult, it’s reality.

To my understanding many people go to through this, so people do understand. It is also possible to overcome.

If anyone else reading this feels the same or similar then please comment! And any tips for overcoming imposter syndrome would be much appreciated.

Feeling like a failure when working with disabilities.

I recently made the impulsive decision to quit my current freelance role.

Why? You may wonder. It’s hard to get any kind of work as a disabled person so why the fuck would you quit.

The why is that for less than £200 a month, the stress, disrespect, and difficulty of doing the role whilst being chronically ill and neurodiverse just wasn’t worth it.

My neurodivergent brain simply wasn’t being accommodated for and when a person causes so much fight or flight that you’re having self-harm urges and can’t sleep that’s not okay. And my mental health is also important, alongside my physical health.

But this brings back uncomfortable memories and the fact that I have always struggled in workplaces, and not for lack of trying. I’ve had attention to detail that isn’t good enough, toxic team mates and managers, struggling with busy open plan office environments and simply being too physically unwell to work.

It makes me worry that I’ll never be able to hold down a job for a reasonable length of time because at the end of the day relationships break down and I get burnt out. And the way my adhd and autism present make a range of tasks difficult. And that’s not including the impact my physical health has on my ability to work and carry out certain tasks.

With the government wanting to reduce the amount of people on sickness benefits, this makes me scared. Benefits are the only reason I’m alive and have been since losing my job due to physical health issues 2 years ago. There’s not enough understanding for now autism, ADHD and mental health conditions impact work. Especially if you’ve never had much support and can mask to an extent. People often misread you and think your lazy, rude and a number of other bad things.

If you spend your whole life being told you are not good enough or not trying hard enough, even though you can’t try any harder, you eventually begin to believe it.

The reality is the world isn’t built to cater to people like me. It’s always going to be a struggle. Being told we should be working but being unable to recieve support to help with currently undiagnosed neurodiversity and dealing with long waiting lists and ineffectual treatment for physical conditions. It’s scary. Knowing that my autism, adhd, and EDS are there for life. And my other medical conditions probably are too.

The implications that life has on my ability to live a quality of life is scary.

Feeling Neglected by the NHS

I am currently feeling horrendously neglected by the NHS.

I can’t get access to the migraine medication I’m meant to be trialling, first due to stock issues and now because I missed the delivery, was told it was going back to the hospital to collect but the hospital said it hadn’t gone back to them. So now I am unsure of who to call, email or what to do and also too burnt out to fight for it and advocate for myself and get hold of these tablets I’ve been trying to get hold of for almost 3 months. How am I supposed to tell my neurologist if something is working if I can’t even get hold of it!

My bladder is not sure if it wants to be overactive or underactive. I’m currently not under a urologist because for whatever reason my referral got lost when UCL decided to refer me to a urologist in my local area and discharge me after I moved. I’m currently spending a fortune on adult pull ups and often leaking through them as I have to spend a lot of time lying down due to the pesky head. It has taken a month of back and forth to and from the GP to get my medication increased but that’s not working yet. If it doesn’t work I’ll have to try and get a re-referral to urology.

On top of that I got a response from a complaint I made following being ping ponged between two different services and those services trying to take treatment away from me that has improved my quality of life and one for not doing an assessment and talking to me before deciding not to treat me. Rather they just went of brief notes from my GP.

The response was highly unsatisfying. They just apologised for ping ponging me and leaving me with nothing. That doesn’t help me.

They also defended suggesting weaning me off gabapentin, which with amitriptyline are the only pain medications I take. It helps my nerve pain but the rest of my pain isn’t controlled. I couldn’t sleep pre gabapentin. My arms and legs would have shooting burning agony running down them. All because the stupid NICE guidelines say not to give pain medication to chronic pain patients. Luckily my GP disagrees for now but I am so sick of doctors treating pain meds like the devil.

Obviously, pain meds can’t be the only treatment. But to be able to do the physio and have some kind of quality of life pain medication is important! And I will stand by that. I’m already in so much pain day to day and have dissociative seizures as a result. Why would reducing medication, increasing a pain that is now mostly controlled ever be a sensible conclusion to reach?

I don’t feel like adequate steps have been taken to make sure patients in the future won’t be treated horrifically by these consultants. And of course they tried to guilt me in their apology by expressing how under pressure the NHS. Yes I know the NHS is under pressure but that doesn’t mean we should be left without testing, treatment and support.

I’ve been on the ASD assessment waiting list for almost TWO YEARS. It’s n0t just physical health that’s being neglected.

I can’t afford to go private for everything. Because I need to rely on benefits as I am limited in how much and what work I can do due to the severity of my symptoms.

The government wants us back into work but the NHS wants to remove vital pain medications from us that can allow us to do a bit of work. Make it make sense!

I feel like I’m drowning. My support needs aren’t met day to day meaning my bedroom is a mess, and I struggle with eating a balanced diet as well as basic personal hygiene. I’m trying to do everything myself with very little physical energy, with severe chronic pain and whilst burnt out from having to go beyond with trying to sort things which i hard for me with the autism.

I’m feeling like I’m just being left to figure shit out for myself and deal with it. But no one talks about how mentally hard it is to be in so much pain every day, to be so fatigued. To still have to get up and try and carry on until you can’t anymore. No one talks about how hard it is to need to wear pull-ups when your 26 or the cost of said pull-ups and disposable bed pads )I don’t have the energy to change my bedsheets every time my bladder decides to just not do it’s job and I also only have 2 sheets and a broken tumble drier.

I’m needing support but not getting it. And that’s hard.

The world makes no sense when you’re autistic

I constantly feel like I’m trying to stay afloat, trying not to drown. I’m constantly feeling confused and like I’m trying to muddle my way through life.

How do I get a job interview?

H0w d0 I perform well enough to get the job?

When I get the job what am I supposed to do? Instructions aren’t clear or rules conflict eachother.

How do I deal with people who have ulterior motives?

How to I make friends?

How do I hold a conversation?

How do I get hold of a prescription I should have had over a month ago?

What if I annoy people?

Am I in the way?

An inconvenience?

Does everyone feel like this?

Why am I not respected?

What should I do and not do in certain circumstances?

The world is confusing. It’s no wonder I feel lost and alone a lot when I find everything so difficult but also have no social support or any other support so have to try and hack everything myself but don’t actually understand half the time. I found this even harder in school when teachers wrongly assumed that because I was intelligent I understood what certain derogatory words meant. This allowed my peers to take advantage of me by asking me to write a song with a certain word in it and then getting me told off for it. Or for using racist language against me which I then repeated because I didn’t understand what it meant let alone that it was racist language. Teachers would tell me off assuming I knew what I did was wrong and I didn’t have the confidence or ability to express that I was genuinely confused and had never heard these words before or if I had didn’t know what they meant and that they were offensive.

Being autistic, especially with a hint (or quite a lot of) ADHD aswell is hard. It’s confusing. And it’s physically, mentally and emotionally draining. It’s hard not understanding the world and feeling as though you can never do anything right.

Ah the tiktok ableists strike again

A couple of no video no name tiktok accounts seem to think disabled access, disabled rights and equality is just as simple as a ramp. Or maybe they don’t think we deserve equality. And they certaintly don’t understand being in difficult circumstances.

On a video about inaccessibility at caravan sites, I commented that at a parkdean site I recently visited with my family (who live miles away) there wasn’t a wheelchair accessible caravan that was pet friendly. Whilst I am ambulatory and can “cope” without access, this meant I had to leave an expensive piece of necessary equipment in the car. It also meant I couldn’t shower safely because no shower seat or space for one. I put up with it, because I’m not going to disappoint my family who wanted to spend time with me.

Apparently, it was my choice to bring the dog, and even after explaining that Harry is my parent’s dog therefore I can’t make the decision of whether he comes or not they were still adamant that it was my choice. My choice to what? Stay with them? Have time with my family? Not let my family down? Do they not understand that dealing with family and asserting access needs can be very hard for a lot of people, especially if the family don’t get it. Besides I’m used to access that isn’t ideal which makes the whole asserting needs, saying no-thing a lot harder.

Also, I completely understand why my mum decided to take Harry on holiday and I love that dog more than I ever thought I would so I welcome any chance to see him. I understand why he can’t go in kennels. It’s not fair on him. He has seperation anxiety and I agree with my mum that at least for the first time my family goes away without him, it should be with someone he knows.

And it will be, because they’re going abroad in the summer. My POTS and Migraine ain’t a fan of the heat and I know it won’t just be a lay-on-a-beach holiday (that’s boring anyway), so I’m going down to their house to look after him.

These comments made were so tone deaf, ignoring the realities that many disabled people face. The reality is that many people are forced to be in toxic or abusive family environments because that’s the only way they have the finances and care they need to survive. Yes this is a very sad reality for many, and I am lucky I am not in that situation.

And then there’s the matter of equality. If people who aren’t wheelchair users can bring their dog but wheelchair users can’t that isn’t equality. That isn’t fair.

Disabled people have pets too and we are entitled to be allowed pets if we can look after them/afford dog walkers etc. I know I’d get a dog if my landlord allowed it and I could keep my room tidy enough to be dog-safe, because once I get my power assist, I would be able to reliably walk said dog. Dogs are companionship in a world that is often very lonely, isolating, and hard to navigate when you are disabled.

Additionally, wheelchair users may have assistance dogs and do we trust that Parkdean, Haven or any other caravan site always makes exceptions to the no pet rule for an assistance dog when required? Knowing the challenges disabled people face in having their needs met, I sure don’t.

And finally, a bit of kindness goes a long way. And if you don’t have anything kind to say there’s this thing called scrolling past and not commenting. It ain’t hard. There’s plenty of other content to consume on TikTok so stop being ableist towards disabled people. It’s not needed and it’s not welcome.

Why I Climb with Multiple Chronic Illnesses

I have multiple chronic illnesses, probably as a result of a genetic condition called Hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, which I was only diagnosed with at 22. I climbed before my diagnosis but took a multi-year break when my health declined, thinking climbing wasn’t possible, safe, or sensible anymore. And with a hectic university schedule, I simply didn’t have the energy capacity to factor climbing in. 

But since graduating 5 years ago, I have been able to climb again, albeit inconsistently, and decided to switch from being a rope climber to a boulderer. 

Whilst yes, a top rope is safer for my injury-prone body, I find bouldering a better solution for my fatigue. I can try hard whilst on the wall for a short period of time and then rest before going again. It reduces the need for muscle endurance, which due to my fatigue my body really struggles with. And it’s something that’s also incredibly hard to improve, especially with my current levels of energy. I also find I enjoy the mental problem-solving element of bouldering more satisfying than climbing a long route and I love the social element of it! 

When my neck problems got worse and I realised I probably had a spinal CSF leak, I wondered if I should continue climbing. Climbing 2-3 times a week no longer felt good. In fact it felt like I was constantly coming down with the flu, dragging my body up a wall it didn’t want to get up. I also was told not to take falls for a while, as I was likely repeatedly whiplashing myself and later, was diagnosed with craniocervical and antaloaxial instability. As a girl who is a self-confessed bad downclimber this was hard! 

Should I not climb at all? Or just climb less. After not climbing at all for a few months, I realised I felt empty without climbing in my life. I felt lost. Due to said CSF leak and neck issues, I am currently unable to work and whilst not climbing meant I didn’t have to deal with the payback in the days after, meaning I felt physically a little better, I missed it a lot. 

So I decided to climb when I could. When I had the time available to recover. When I was feeling able to. I do a lot less volume in a session now and very much climb like a beginner but it makes me feel alive. It allows me to move my body in a way I enjoy and feel free from the constraints of my disabilities. 

Climbing also has therapeutic benefits, in improving my strength, proprioception, balance, and coordination. This can all help day to day in making my daily activities a little easier. It’s taken a long time for me to find the balance between climbing but not so hard that I injure my body further. To climb in a way that serves my body. And yes that means climbing less hard and maybe taking fewer risks, as well as making full use of splints and tape when needed to help protect joints, but it is worth it to me because without climbing I feel lost. 

It can definitely be difficult sometimes, especially dealing with society and the confusion as to why I can climb sometimes but I can’t work. And that really boils down to the fact that I climb during good hours and take lots of breaks between climbs. I then plan atleast 2 days to be able to rest following before my body gets back to it’s baseline level of energy. I can fit climbing around my body but finding a job that fits around my body and sheer number of medical appointments can feel impossible at times! Although I do keep looking. 

We often don’t see representation of people with chronic illness or disabilities in your average climbing gym. Part of this is because a lot of disabilities are invisible and you probably won’t divulge your entire medical history to an acquaintance on the mats. This is the case for me. If I’m bouldering and need mobility aids to get to the wall that day, my wheelchair or crutches is likely out of the way somewhere. You wouldn’t necessarily link me to my wheelchair without seeing me in it because on the wall my disabilities are invisible. 

And yes, this fact does sometimes have me feeling anxious about using mobility aids to get to a wall but at the end of the day climbing makes me feel free and I am going to keep doing it. 

Finding Work as a disabled person

Finding work as a disabled person is hard. It feels soul-destroying at times. Scrolling through jobs, so many too many hours, in the wrong location, require a driving license, not in a wheelchair-accessible location.

Even websites and schemes aimed to help disabled people into work often have jobs listed that are of too many hours, or clearly geared and towards a preference of full-time working. I’ve tried evenbreak, I’ve tried to change 100 in addition to your standard job search website and it’s hard. It’s hard seeing time and time again that the world isn’t catered to the nature of your energy limiting conditions and the fact that you can only work very part time.

And then there’s the outright discrimination if you get an in person interview and appear disabled. I recently got rejected because I apparently wasn’t available on the evenings required. But I said I was flexible and available every evening at the interview.

Make that make sense.

They didn’t even try and come up with a reason that made sense, like going with a more qualified or experienced candidate.

It’s incredibly frustrating and even more so in light of the governments recent attacks on disabled people. The fact that people think we’re scroungers if we’re not able to work enough to survive without benefits or find work to begin with.

Most disabled people want to work, want to contribute but society puts barriers in the way. Our bodies put barriers in the way and that is incredibly frustrating.

The tightrope of chronic illness

The tightrope of chronic illness never ends.

Your taught to pace, to plan, but not to avoid.

The world isn’t entirely paceable or plannable though and life gets in the way. That’s how I felt this past week.

I tried to plan and pace but unexpected things got in the way. Having to go to an out-of-hours department for a suspected kidney infection, randomly vomiting on Sunday night, and the impact that had the next day on csf leak pain and POTS.

The extra activity caused by my body’s unpredictability has led to me feeling worse than I thought I would and has led to me accomplishing less.

With chronic illness you often have a never ending to do list, especially if like me you don’t have support. My biggest problem is the state of my room and the fact that one of our bathrooms is in desperate need of cleaning but I just don’t have the spoons.

The unexpected things popping up can be really hard to deal with anyway as someone who is autistic, but it’s compounded by my body having such limited energy and unexpected things making me feel worse, more likely to crash and less likely to accomplish things.

It’s so hard to stay on that tightrope when chronically ill.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

As an AUDHDer, I definitely have some significant Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is a part of ADHD. It is emotional dysregulation as a result of actual or perceived rejection or the fear of being rejected. This isn’t relieved by CBT or DBT.

For me, I find I go into fight or flight when I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I struggle to handle criticism and in a work context worry I’m going to be fired etc over the slightest thing done not quite right. It also has left me avoiding asking people for help, asking people if they want to do things with me or asking for references due to the fear of being rejected.

I find it really hard to deal with, and hard to handle the emotional dysregulation. I find it can make me feel anxious, my chest will be tight, and adrenaline will be coursing through my body. I’ll also feel like I’m useless and can never get anything right or that I’m lazy and maybe if I just tried harder but simultaneously don’t know how I could try harder. Often the rejection or percieved rejection will ruin my whole day or week. I find it REALLY hard to get myself out of it.

Additionally, I will feel like I’m being pathetic, immature, or a baby for having this reaction. Other people don’t seem to feel so debilitated purely because they did something a little wrong.

I try to rationalise it, but that doesn’t help. Yes, I know it’s normal for people to make mistakes but that doesn’t make me feel any better.

It makes it easy for me to get burnt out, especially if I’m feeling rejection from multiple angles on a frequent basis.

It’s something I haven’t figured out how to deal with and something that hasn’t improved despite LOTS of therapy.

How do you know if you have the right diagnosis?

If you’ve received a diagnosis like ME/CFS, Fibromyalgia or Functional Neurological Disorder in the past, you might be wondering if you were correctly diagnosed. Especially if very few tests were run at the time and your presentation doesn’t match to the condition you were diagnosed with.

I’ve recently realised parts of my functional neurological disorder are in fact not functional neurological disorder and are actually symptoms of my Craniocervical and Antaloaxial instability. How did I figure that out? My neck brace has reduced said symptoms and most notably my seizures.

I’m now wondering how correct or not my diagnosis was for my other neurological symptoms. Loss of feeling in my legs, jelly legs that feel disconnected from my body the longer they are under gravity for, co-ordination and balance difficulties, paralysis of my lower left leg, and the inability of my left foot to handle compression. Sometimes struggling to feel heat on my body. The severity of my brain fog, the fact that I struggle to pick my feet off the ground when walking. My neurogenic bladder.

Functional neurological disorder doesn’t fit.

And my neurologist simply did a brain MRI and said off you go at the time.

How do I trust that the diagnosis was correct?

I know with EDS we can get things like occult tethered cord which would explain my lower body symptoms but good luck getting the NHS to recognise that.

I also know at the time of referral MS was queried. To rule out MS you need a lumbar puncture, which I have never had and whilst I can’t have a lumbar puncture right now as I might have a CSF leak and we don’t want to cause a second leak, I wonder is this something that needs properly ruling out? MS has treatments. Functional neurological disorder doesn’t.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t want MS or occult tethered cord. But I do want assurance that we have diagnosed the correct cause for my symptoms and if that cause is somewhat treatable my quality of life could improve.

But there’s another part of me saying maybe I’m just being a hypochondriac. Maybe I should just trust the doctor who diagnosed me.

But how can you trust when doctors have got things wrong before?

How do you know that they’ve done all that they can when objectively you know they haven’t?

When is pushing for a correct answer too much and when should we just accept the answer given?

Ableist disabled people

There’s several disabled people who are inherently ableist.

Be it wheelchair users, thinking the disabled toilet is only for wheelchair users or the blue badge parking space is only for wheelchair users.

Or be it disabled people who are able to work full time and not claim benefits hating on those of us who need to claim benefits and concluding that we must just be lazy.

And there’s nothing I hate more. Whilst I get that a lot of the time these feelings of hate towards other disabled people comes from frustration (we all know that there aren’t enough blue badge spaces in most car parks or disabled toilets in most buildings for demand). It’s harmful and perpetuates hate to be saying these people aren’t disabled or aren’t disabled enough if they need to access an accommodation or can’t work so need to access benefits.

There are many reasons someone may need a blue badge space, and specifically the extra space around it. Crutch, walker, and rollator users struggle to get out of the car without extra space and so can lower limb amputees, depending on the type of prosthetic they wear.

Equally, there are many reasons one may need a disabled toilet. If you have a stoma, need to catheterise, have a walker, an assistance dog, or need the grab bars to get on and off the toilet.

And in the UK parents may need this bathroom because it’s often the only baby changing toilet space.

But these people can’t seem to empathise, can’t seem to possibly comprehend that wheelchair accessible doesn’t mean wheelchair user reserved.

There’s one thing getting annoyed at people genuinely taking the mick. Parking in a blue badge space without a blue badge for example.

But there’s another thing saying that people with other disabilities shouldn’t be entitled or outright calling them lazy and entitled.

Rights for all disabled people will never exist if we’re fighting against each other over whose worthy and who is most disabled. Disability takes many different forms and wheelchair users are a minority of disabled people.