I started taking prescription cannabis and low dose naltrexone recently. The result. A significantly better few days than usual. And even though I still do have significant pain, fatigue, dizziness etc I’m suddenly feeling like a fraud because I feel good. Better than I’ve felt for almost two years.
In my head that means I should be working, except I don’t have a job to work because my health ruined that and there’s no guarantee this good few days will manifest into a good few months or years. The stability I need to work.
In my head, I need to tidy my room but physically my leg and back pain is preventing me.
My brain can’t just enjoy feeling better than usual. I can’t just sit in the moment, do things I normally can’t do guilt-free, and embrace it.
My brain thinks, what’s next? Let’s do all these things I need to do and get a job. Except pain is preventing all the things I need to do from happening because they are physical in nature and what purpose is a job if I don’t have the stability to do said job.
Also, I still have upright limitations so am restricted when it comes to a job!
It’s that feeling that despite still having significant symptoms I’m suddenly not sick and so should resume normal activity. That feeling that disabled people can’t be seen to be enjoying their good days, weeks or months with chronic illness if they can’t work the rest of the time.
It’s the capitalism and need for productivity and external validation from the people around me and society.
As if feeling better in some respects means my room should be clean and tidy or I’m just lazy, with no regard for the rest of my pain preventing that, and as if I suddenly should have a job. With no regard for the fact that that’s not how the world works and it’s important to find a stable baseline before moving back into work.
Having felt a bit better for a few days mentally is hard. Whilst this being my permanent would be a great improvement and I would welcome it. The not knowing and the in-between stages of getting life together if it does seem to be long term are hard.
I often feel this way if my health improves a bit after a rough patch, and used to feel like this even if I had a good day.
Mentally, there’s improvement in that respects.
But it is hard feeling in that in-between of sick and not sick. Not sure how long it will last or whether I can forge new limits, and a better quality of life.
I feel like I should be happy and I am, but that happy is clouded by my warped brain thinking a few good days makes me a fraud, and makes me lazy.
Spoonielivingfree 